


Two Steps

by Id_flyifihad_wings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Anxiety Attacks, Cas and Azazel past relationship, Cas and Benny past relationship, Cas has an awful family, Comforting Dean, Fake Enemies, High School, Hurt and comfort, John helped her through it, M/M, Sad Ending, Self Harm, Starving, Stressed Dean, Suicidal Mary in past, Supportive John, Trigger Warnings, Unhappy Cas, Unhappy Ending, Violence, You Won’t like me, depressed Cas, good dad john, hurt cas, self hate, so many feels, veiled threats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-25 04:49:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 35,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13826814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Id_flyifihad_wings/pseuds/Id_flyifihad_wings
Summary: Castiel Novak is trapped in his own head. Dark thoughts fill his days and invade anything good in his life.Dean Winchester has his whole life set out for him. He’s going to an Ivy League college, he has perfect grades, and a little brother who looks up to him.When the two meet, Dean is determined to help Castiel out of his mind, just like his dad did for his mother. They form a quick relationship, but will Dean’s strength, hope, and love be enough to make Cas see his worth before it’s too late?





	1. March 15, 2016

**Author's Note:**

> Anything in between parentheses is Cas’s writing.  
> Anything in between brackets is the texts between Cas and Dean.

(Today I met someone. He was nice, but it's an act. Once he figures out I'm gay, he'll leave. They all do. 

My therapist recommended starting a journal. She said it would help me, but I'm not sure how writing my feelings is supposed to help. Whatever. 

Back to school today after spring break. It was another long day. I was pretty sure I was going to stab my eyes out from the sheer boredom, but I managed to stay awake all day. For once I wasn't tired.

Maybe that's because I was finally able to start the sleeping pills and they actually worked. I didn't think they would. My therapist told me that I should stop using a knife, but it's hard to stop when everything around me makes me feel unwanted. I don't know, she's probably right. She says it just hurts the people that care about me.

I don't really think a lot of people care about me, except maybe Charlie and the new guy I met today. At least he seemed sympathetic when he noticed the scars. He didn't say anything about them besides telling me he'd try and help. He doesn't know me. He is new to the school after all.

I didn't eat lunch today, which is a normal thing. I usually don't eat a lot. My parents tend to think I starve myself, but they don't understand that I can't bring myself to eat and I'm tired of trying to explain it to them. They only let me start therapy when they realized I'd been "hurting" myself. 

Charlie called me when I got home and told me a little more about the guy. She said he liked building things (I didn't care) and he was an intelligent person with straight A's. "He should probably stay away from me if he wants to keep those grades," I had told her. She knew what I meant by that, so she didn't reprimand me for saying it. 

Truth was, I didn't want him to stay away. Even if I did barely know him, he was nice and he seemed to care. I don't know, maybe I'm just seeing things that aren't there. Charlie is the only friend I've had that's stuck around, the rest of them left me behind. I think it would be nice to have another friend again.

And if he's here long enough, maybe he'll let me live with him. Anything to get away from my parents. Charlie said she totally would if her mom wasn't worried about her having sex with me. That would never happen because Charlie was a lesbian. Whatever.

-Insert eyeroll here-

Today was fine; in regards to how I felt. Not good, not even ok, just fine. I'll settle for being balanced, which today I was. My therapist suggested giving the new guy my number. Would that be stupid? We did just meet. Maybe when I got to know him a little better. 

I guess I should do my homework or my mom will get mad at me. Who knows if I'll sleep tonight. I might not take the pill. I haven't decided yet if I like them.)

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

So maybe coming home late wasn't the best idea. It wasn't his fault that he needed to go to tutoring to understand what the hell you're supposed to do with polynomials. 

Not to mention he smelled like a jock strap from gym, and he hadn't been able to shower. A few girls in the class had wrinkled their noses when he walked by. 

The food on the counter was cold, and his dad was already passed out on the couch. He worked late nights sometimes and it took a lot out of him. His little brother was also asleep; the car gone from the driveway so he figured his mom was getting groceries. 

If he woke his dad, there might be a moment where he would be pissed. It wouldn't last though. He could handle it. 

So he heated up the spaghetti she had made and waited. The microwave gave off a loud whine when he cooked, and made him cringe everytime his dad shifted. He opened it before it could signal its finish. 

That was when his thoughts drifted to the new guy he had met today. He was nice, but the self-made scars on his wrists made his heart ache. He knew how it felt, his mother had gone through it. It made his dad so upset to see her like that. She got better though, so he vowed to help this new boy get better too.

His father mumbled something from the couch, his eyes open. 

"What?" 

"How was school?" he repeated a bit louder.

"I had to stay after for algebra tutoring, but good," he answered.

"Those damn polnomals still tripping you up?" 

He smiled slightly at the mispronunciation, but nodded. 

"Mary's doing laundry tomorrow," his dad told him.

"I'll bring her my clothes when I get home," he responded through a mouthful of pasta.

"Great. I'm gonna hit the hay. Just waiting for you," he stood and trudged to his room. 

"Hey, dad?" 

He turned back and eyed him.

"I met someone today," he said.

"A boy?" 

He nodded, a slight flush to his cheeks. "I don't know him too well, but I like him plenty." 

"All right. Invite him over for dinner soon or something, then," John replied with a weary thumbs up. Dean watched his father close the door behind him before setting the leftovers in the fridge and heading to his room.

"Dee, you home?" a small voice asked with a yawn. 

"Yeah, Sammy. Go back to sleep," Dean called through the thin door.

"G'night," Sam murmured groggily. Dean smiled and went to his own room, softly closing the door. 

He checked the time. It was almost eight, and he had to be up early to get his mom to work and be home to take Sam to school. He decided on changing out of his sweaty clothes and taking a quick shower. Then, he fell into his bed and closed his eyes.

Sleep came easily for him. Much quicker tonight than usual, but he wasn't complaining.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

(Homework is already done. I assume that mom is "working" tonight, so I don't ask dad about it. She's a hooker. That's not a normal job for a mom to have, is it? Shouldn't she be at home taking care of me and dad, like a normal family? 

And yet they claimed to care about me and my "best interests." Whatever. Maybe it's better this way. She can't get mad at me for ruining my future if she isn't here.  
Loopholes are always my favorite. Not that I'm ruining my future. She's just mad because she thinks I'm smart even though I try as hard as I can and still have C's. 

At some point she's going to realize that I'm not as great as she tries to act like I am. I think I've reached a point in my life where I don't really care what she thinks anyway. Well, I try not to. Sometimes her words are hurtful but I try not to dwell on them.

My therapist makes me tell her all the stuff my mom says. I don't tell her half of it, some of the more hurtful things I keep to myself. Like the fact that she calls me worthless. I act like she doesn't mean it, even though she does.

Whatever. I say it too much - that's what my dad says. I don't care though, I keep saying it because it helps me cope.

It's getting late. It's almost midnight, and I didn't take the pill. I don't want to, it gives me a headache. Maybe I'll fall asleep before mom gets home, then she can't talk to me. Unless she wakes me up, which she's done plenty of times before. 

Whatever. I guess I'll write again tomorrow.)


	2. March 16, 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anything in parenthesis is Cas’s writing   
> Anything in brackets is the texts between Dean and Cas

The next day, he almost missed the bus. Not that he would've minded, but Dean did ride it with him. 

"Howdy, Cas," Dean called out with a grin, waving from his seat. The other kids snickered at the oddly placed enthusiasm, one girl giving Castiel a dirty look. He promptly ignored the sneer and walked toward his seat, stumbling over an outstretched foot that found its way purposefully in his path. Dean thankfully caught him and helped him sit.

"People at your school always such assholes?" he wondered. Cas simply nodded. "You look tired. Did you sleep?"

"I slept fine," Cas answered. A lie. He hadn't slept at all. The only words he'd written in the journal his therapist had given him was too tired for today.

"Yeah, ok, mister grumpy pants," Dean said. Cas gave him an odd look at the childish response. He hadn't realized how green Dean's eyes were. 

Dean admired the smooth wave of Cas's partially gelled hair, the soft curve of his jawline. He had to admit, Castiel was attractive. Except how he dressed. Nobody wanted to see his boxers, yet he refused to wear a belt. Not to mention the weird streak of blue and red in his hair. Whatever, Dean could handle it well enough.

Cas stood up and Dean realized they had arrived at the school. He hated this place, but it was a small price to pay to see all his friends. He and Cas were the last two onboard. "You waiting for me?" he asked with a rueful smile. 

Cas simply stared at him as he stood up and gathered his things. He led the way out. "Here," Cas handed him a slip of paper.

"What's this?" he asked.

"My therapist suggested I give you my number. If you don't want it you can throw it away. I figured, since we're friends and all..." he trailed off and looked to the ground awkwardly.

"Your therapist is a smart woman. I'll text you as often as I can if that doesn't bug you. I'll probably only send you really bad memes," Dean replied as he stuffed the paper in his back pocket.

"Sounds wonderful," Cas told him without enthusiasm. Dean just gave a chuckle and then waved his farewell. And thus began the hell Cas had to survive everyday. 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

(Apparently calling someone a faggot everyday doesn't get old? I don't know. I consider Azazel a "dick" anyway. He always was, even when I thought he was my friend back in middle school. 

Thankfully he didn't see any of it. I feel like he'd be the kind of guy to say something and start a fight. Who knows? I barely know him, maybe he wouldn't.

Either way, I'm glad. I've got a black eye now, too. Dad asked about it. He said I deserved it for being a disrespectful punk. 

Because having two colors in your hair means you must be rebelling, even if you don't talk back to your parents or anyone. Whatever. I ignored it. Mostly.

Mom isn't home again. Dad said she was working. So that means another night of not eating and staying awake. Perfect. 

He sat with Charlie and I at lunch today. And then asked why I wasn't eating. "Because I'm not," I had told him. He simply shrugged and stuffed a few fries in his mouth. 

He didn't ask again. Maybe I said it too harshly, Charlie did text me and said I could've been nicer. Oh well, too late now. He didn't text me like he said he would. 

Therapy wasn't too bad today. She gave me a doughnut that I threw away when she wasn't looking. I don't eat sugary foods. She made me tell her how it was going with him. I told her I gave him my number but he hadn't texted. 

She said he would. I'm not holding my breath. 

Maybe she just tells me that because it's what I want to hear. I don't know. It's almost eight. I did my homework already. Well, most of it. I couldn't do half of the algebra, but I did most of the chemistry. Hopefully I can actually pass this assignment.

Mom is starting to get annoyed again. She kept telling me I need to be able to have a life after college. She said she wouldn't let me live with them after high school. She was going to kick me out, even if I didn't go to college.

Thanks for nothing, mom. 

I hope she doesn't find this. I guess I wouldn't care if she did. She already doesn't like me, this journal wouldn't change that.

My therapist told me to use her name next time I talk to her. But I don't like saying it, or writing it. Her name bothers me. She says it's because it's triggering. I suggested she change her name. She refused. 

She also told me I should use my mom and dad's name in this. I also don't want to do that. Why would I give them that? They don't care about me anyway, so what does it matter?)

Cas's phone buzzed so he set his pencil down and reached for it.

It was Dean, apparently.

[Howdy Cas]

Cas stared at the message for a few minutes. Dean didn't use punctuation, should he? 

[Hello, Dean. How are you?]

He hit send and waited for a reply. After a while he went back to writing.

(Maybe if I actually had time to spare I could write about how happy I was that he had texted me. But I don't really feel like it so that's the only mention that it'll get. 

It sounds like dad is drunk. He's yelling at the television about something. I can't really hear what he's saying, his words are too slurred, but it's probably sports.)

His phone chimed again. 

[Hiding out in my room so my mom doesn't know I'm up]

Cas raised an eyebrow and looked at the time. [It's only 8:30. Why would she be mad?]

He went back to his journal. It must be nice to have a family that cared. Dean was probably able to sleep at night without any trouble. 

[Ive gotta be able to take her to work in the morning at like 345 shes a nurse so]

Cas shook his head at that and rolled his eyes. Waking up that early was nothing to him. 

[That must suck. Sorry you have to wake up so early.]

There. A proper lie that didn't make him worry but also wouldn't draw attention to the fact that he didn't sleep.

[Its fine I dont really mind i have to be able to take Sam to school too hes my little brother]

Castiel hadn't known Dean had a brother. Well, now he did. He rolled his eyes at the annoying thoughts.

[You should sleep, then. That way you won't be tired tomorrow.]

He shoved his phone down his shirt and pushed the journal back, grabbing a piece of paper and doodling on it as his door opened.

"You doing homework?" his mother asked. He looked over at her and then looked away again. She had raw marks around her neck, the tiny shirt barely enough to cover her chest. 

Even her skirt was rumpled and one of her high heels was in her hand, the heel broken.

"Yes," he answered finally. He had to stifle a shiver as his phone vibrated against his stomach.

"Don't say yes in that ungrateful way. Finish up and go to bed. And take a fucking shower, you smell like a damn pig," she ordered.

"Ok," Cas told her. He wasn't going to argue with her right now. She was likely on the brink of tears and her heavy mascara was already running from her sweat.

She left without saying anything else and Cas grabbed his phone again. 

[Nah im good you barely slept last night anyway I can see how you feel (;]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed, then leave a comment or a kudos! 
> 
> Thanks guys!


	3. March 17, 2016

(I didn't sleep. Mom had covered her neck with foundation by the time I got into the only bathroom in our house. I know because she didn't clean the sink well enough.)

"Did you sleep last night?" Cas asked when he sat down beside Dean on the bus. 

"Not really. I fell asleep at like 9:30 and then woke back up. Nightmares," Dean replied. It surprised Cas that Dean had nightmares.

"Nightmares?" 

"No, I was kidding. What happened to your eye?" Dean asked, changing the subject surprisingly quick and back to Castiel. 

"Nothing too important. Not really worth mentioning," Cas said smoothly. Of course Dean had been joking, why would he be serious about nightmares? Dean likely had a perfect life with a perfect family that loved him. And fed him. And cared.

"Doesn't look like it," Dean commented. "But I guess it's not really my business." 

Cas looked away and shifted awkwardly in the seat. 

"Did you do the chemistry homework?" Dean asked him to change the subject. 

"Truth? Not really, no," Cas admitted as he messed with the sleeve of his hoodie. "Well, I did, but I didn't finish and it's probably all wrong."

"Oh, I get it. I can help you with it at lunch if you'd like," he suggested. Cas looked over at him in surprise.

"What? I don't need help. I'm not stupid," he snapped. 

"I didn't say you were. I was just trying to help," Dean told him with a nonchalant shrug. He didn't seem fazed by Cas's sudden temper.

"Yeah, ok," Cas echoed his words from yesterday and stood as the bus screeched to a halt. He climbed off first for once. He absolutely did not wait for Dean at all.

"Hey, Cas, wait up!" he called. Cas rolled his eyes and kept walking, even when Dean caught up to him.

"Go away," Cas answered sharply. Dean chuckled and shook his head.

"We have the same first period today, so I'm gonna walk with you," he said. "I don't think Mr. Singer is gonna appreciate you not doing your homework."

"He doesn't care," Cas told him, "because he knows... about me."

"Oh, I get it. He is a pretty understanding guy, for a teacher," Dean nodded. He said nothing more on the matter, which made Cas give him a small smile when he wasn't looking.

Cas simply walked beside Dean until they reached their class. They split off and went to their seats, sadly across the room from each other.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

(He ate with us at lunch again. And decided to teach me how mole conversions work. I guess it kind of makes sense.

He tends to think everything he says is perfect. Even when I corrected him that one mole is actually 22.4 liters, not 22.3, he just laughed and said he was testing me. Whatever. 

I also pretend not to notice that he keeps staring at me while I write. I guess he's making sure I do the work correctly. Why else would he do that?

Maybe he's just trying to get me close to him so he can embarrass me in front of all his douche friends. That's likely.

Dad's out of the house, and mom is working again. So I'm alone for the time being. Until closer to ten, I guess. 

I don't know, he may be home early. It depends on if he drives himself or takes a taxi back from the bar. Either way I'll need to avoid him. He hates me even more than usual when he's drunk. 

Therapy today was eventful. I told my therapist what had happened with him this morning. She said I shouldn't have yelled at him. She says I need to learn to control my anger. It's hard though, what he said hurt. I know he didn't mean it that way. 

"My mom calls me stupid sometimes," I had told her. She said she understood why that could be triggering. I guess I see what she means. Sometimes I think she says it's triggering just to sound smart. 

Mom told me I need to stop being a punk. I didn't take a shower like she told me to. I wasn't sorry. 

Maybe if she had said it because she cared, I would've done it. She only said it to be rude. I guess it's just not in her nature to be kind. I like to think it's because she had a hard childhood. 

Even though she grew up with everything she could ever want because her parents were rich. She went to a nice school. Had lots of friends. Had a nice car.

And then she had me and she went crazy. Her parents made her keep me, even though she wanted to have me aborted. I wasn't even supposed to exist. I guess life has a funny way of working out sometimes. Whatever.

I try not to dwell on the fact that she didn't want me. I guess since I haven't done my homework I should do that. He said he wouldn't be able to talk tonight anyway. Also, apparently I actually know how to do chemistry now. I did kind of ace the pop quiz we had today. As much as I hate to admit it, it was after he taught me about mole conversions. Whatever.)

Cas's phone buzzed in its spot on his desk. He looked over at it and noticed a text from Dean. 

[Sleep alludes me again tonight aka I wanna talk]

He gave a soft laugh and typed out a reply.

[You want to talk to me? What a terrible thing, I was just about to go to bed.]

He set his phone down and stared at the sheet of homework in front of him. Cas almost didn't hear his phone vibrate when he started working. 

[Aw man come on help me out I'm your friend right where's the love]

Cas set his phone down before taking a deep breath. Had he really just sent that? Why would he say that? He'd only known Dean for three days, yet he was already saying things like love.

[I'm dead inside. I feel nothing. Sorry, Dean. Count sheep, that helps me.]

Cas hit send before he could even think much about it. 

[Wow such a grim outlook on such a wonderful life come on man its been a great day hasnt it]

Cas shook his head slightly as he glared down at the phone. Why couldn't Dean take the hint and leave him alone for once.

[Not necessarily.]

[What happened something I did or someone else whos being mean do I need to beat someone up]

[I'd rather you not.]

There was a while where Cas went back to his homework even when his phone went off three times and then a fourth a few moments later.

[Thats bull Cas come on 

Dont act like theres nothing wrong when youre obviously not ok 

Im not gonna tell anyone if thats what youre worried about 

I dont want people to be mean to you cuz you dont derserve it]

[You don't know me, Dean. And nothing happened today.]

Cas sighed heavily and went to his bed, the phone in his hand.

[So not today but other days then what happened is it people at school doing it]

[I'm not comfortable telling you this. I've only known you for three days, Dean.]

There wasn't a reply for a long time, and Cas assumed Dean had fallen asleep. He stared up at the ceiling for a while, wondering if his dad was on the way home yet. 

It was almost ten after all.

"Take a shower," the door opened and his mother stuck her head in his room. Tonight she had a black eye.

"I already did," Cas told her. 

"I can tell you're lying. Take a shower, and stop lying," she snapped. 

"Ok," Cas stood up and gathered his pajamas into his hands. He left his phone on his desk and moved past his mom to the bathroom. 

He took a quick shower before returning to his room. He could hear his dad moving around sluggishly in the living room, turning on the television.

He layed back on his bed again and closed his eyes.

[Fair enough]

Cas had finally fallen asleep.


	4. March 18, 2016

(My mom came into my room last night and took my phone. I acted like I didn't know. She did help me cover up my black eye. 

I guess it's her weird way of saying she cares. I guess he was still awake at midnight, that's when I got his last text. I'm not sure why he stayed up so late though. Maybe he really does have nightmares. There's not really a way for me to know unless he tells me himself. 

I'm not going to push him though. He didn't really push me once I told him I wasn't ready to tell. So I'll respect his own thoughts. 

I guess this morning is ok as far as how I feel. It's a possibility that mom will be home when I am. 

Sure.)

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

Dean drove to school today, leaving Cas to face the bus himself. Lisa decided it was a great idea to throw his only pencil out the window, along with his favorite hat that he had just bought and a beat-up copy of The Great Gatsby. He had called her a bitch and earned a punch to the gut, along with being shoved down the steps of the bus where he fell on his hands and knees and scattered all his things everywhere. His hands started bleeding with the force of the impact. 

With his hair covering his face, no one could see the tears in his eyes as he gathered his things and tried to shut out the laughing. He sat back on his heels to put his journals in, only to see Dean and Charlie there helping him.

"Ooh, what's this thing?" Dean asked as he handed Cas his switchblade.

"A knife," Cas said as he quickly grabbed it from his hands and stuffed it back in his bag. Dean held out a hand to help Cas up.

"Faggots!" someone yelled. Cas stared at his hand and waited for him to pull it away. Despite the way Dean's cheeks went red, he didn't pull his hand away. 

Cas took it and stood up, quickly releasing it when he found his footing. "Thank you, both." 

"It's no problem, man. How'd you fall?" Dean wondered. 

"He tripped. I tried to help him, but I was a little too late," Lisa explained as she came to stand by Dean with a bright smile and a shockingly sympathetic look directed at Cas.

Cas glared at Lisa as she spoke, gritting his teeth to keep from saying anything. 

"Got it. Come on Cas, class is about to start," Dean motioned for him to follow. Lisa watched him go, shoving Cas as she went her own way. Charlie righted him in a rush and they hurried to catch up to Dean.

"She's so fake," Dean commented when they reached his side. 

"Sorry?" Cas asked.

"So you didn't believe her?" Charlie wondered at the same time.

"Of course not. How could anyone ever believe her? Even her smile. I hate people like that," Dean growled bitterly.

"It doesn't matter, Dean. Don't get involved," Cas told him.

"And why the hell not? She's bullying you, Cas, and it's bullshit," Dean answered. 

"Language, ya idjit," Mr. Singer commented as they entered their class. Charlie waved and headed off to English.

"Please? If you get involved it will only make matters worse for us both," said Cas softly. 

"Fine. I won't," Dean finally agreed before sitting in his seat. Cas nodded slightly and went to his own seat. 

One boring lecture about molecules later, Cas left Dean behind to get to his World History class. He absolutely loathed the teacher, which made him work half as hard. So far that was his lowest average grade. He didn't really care, but his mother was pissed.

[Yo i have something for you at lunch]

Dean had texted him. He didn't reply since the bell had rung, instead setting his head down and falling asleep. 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

Dean had brought him a sandwich. For lunch. 

"I'm not hungry, though," Cas said. 

"Nah, come on. I never see you eat anything. Just take it. You can throw it away if you want, but at least take it," Dean held it out to him. He sighed heavily and took it from him with a roll of his eyes.

"I hope there's not peanut butter on it," he remarked.

"Why, you allergic?" Dean asked in a rush, glancing at Charlie as she let out a laugh.

"No," replied Cas simply.

"He's OCD about it. He doesn't like it because it sticks to the roof of his mouth," Charlie dodged Cas's punches to her arm, giggling while she did. 

"Oh, I get it. My dad's the same way with marmalade. He refuses to eat it because of the same reason," Dean told him. That made Cas feel a bit more comfortable and he gave Dean a small smile.

"Is there peanut butter on this?" he asked, acting like he didn't hear what Dean said.

"No, we ran out last week. Mom hasn't gone shopping yet," Dean shrugged and took a sip of his Dr Pepper. 

"Oh. Well, thank you, then. I guess," Cas softly smiled up at him.

"Dean, did you finish the chemistry homework?" Charlie suddenly asked, looking up at him.

"Yeah, of course. Why, you need help?" he wondered.

"No, I just want the answers," Charlie told him.

"I'm not just going to give you the answers," Dean said back with a frown.

"But why not?" whined Charlie sadly.

"Because then you won't know what to do for the test," Dean wisely pointed out. 

Charlie scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"Oh, come on, Winchester. Don't be such a sonic screwdriver. Just give me the answers. Please?" 

"Not happening," Dean sing-songed, a smile on his face as Charlie groaned. 

"God, man. Your perfect little reputation isn't at stake if you give me answers," she complained. 

"I know. It just doesn't help you," Dean told her.

"I know how to do it, I just don't wanna do it," Charlie said as she got her bag together.

"Well, sucks for you then, doesn't it. See, Cas actually accepted my help and totally aced the pop quiz," Dean told her, holding out his fist to Cas.

"Don't do it, Cas," Charlie warned as he raised his own and gave Dean a fist bump. 

"Man. Come on, I'll give you money."

"What? No! You're not gonna bribe me," Dean laughed heartily and shook his head. "Nice try though," he managed to get out through his laughter. 

Cas started chuckling softly as Charlie gave Dean a withering glare and shook her head. "I despise you," she snapped.

"I know. Hey, if you want I can talk to a friend who will send you the answers," suggested Dean. 

"Oh, so you won't give me the answers but you'll help me get the answers? I don't understand you," Charlie stood as the lunch monitor announced it was time to return to class. 

"Yeah. Of course, if you actually know how to do it, you could just do it yourself," said Dean idly as they all walked back to class.

"She doesn't ever do her own work. She steals answer from me, and I'm not even smart," Cas muttered as he nudged Charlie with his elbow.

"Hey, I correct all the wrong ones. On my paper anyway," Charlie defended.

"You two are ridiculous. Look, Cas, if you want you can come over this weekend and I'll tutor you. And you can stay for dinner. My mom is the best cook around," Dean said as he slung an arm around Cas's shoulders.

"I - uh - sure," agreed Cas sheepishly as he looked up at the taller boy. Dean gave a big grin and nodded slightly.

"Great. I'll text you my address tomorrow," said Dean as he pulled away. He patted Cas's back and then broke off to get to his class, throwing a wave to them over his shoulder.

Charlie gave a scoff and rolled her eyes as Dean departed. "What a jerk." 

"Yeah. I guess so," Cas mumbled absently, not truly paying attention.


	5. March 19, 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parentheses equals Cas’s writing  
> Brackets equals texts

(Today he gave me his address like he said he would. I guess I'll walk to his house tomorrow. I'm nervous. What if his parents hate me? I guess it doesn't really matter. It's not like we're dating. 

Am I overthinking this? I'm going to say yes. He told me to come whenever I wanted. So I could go now and just stay forever. If his parents let me. Whatever.

Maybe I should just tell him I got sick so I don't have to go. My parents are going to be mad. They hate that I'm gay. They'll think I'm having sex with him, and they'll kick me out first chance they get. 

I'll be homeless. I guess it's still better than living with them.)

"You better be doing homework," Cas's dad snapped when he slammed the door open.

"Yes, sir," Cas said softly. 

"Your mom's out, I gotta go pick her up. Stay here and do your work," he ordered.

"Yes, sir," repeated Cas coolly. His father left so he went back to writing.

(Mom must have had a rough night if dad has to pick her up. He sounds drunk, I hope they get into a car crash. Call me terrible for thinking it, but I really hope they do. 

I'm gonna go over to his place if he says I can. Maybe I can stay and do my homework there. I hope he's home.)

Cas grabbed his phone and texted Dean a quick message.

[Mind if I come over now?]

He waited for the reply by staring at the wall. He was almost certain his dad would be out driving for a while, trying to find his mom. 

[Nah youre welcome anytime come on over]

Cas smiled and gathered his things. He slung his bag onto his back and headed out the door, snatching the spare key as he went. 

[Can I ask why so late]

[My parents aren't home.]

[Oh that kinda sucks weve got food if you want too but idk I know you dont eat much]

[I'll eat as long as it doesn't have peanut butter.]

[Youll like it mom makes great food like i said]

Cas didn't respond, since he was too busy trying to find the right turn. He hoped his hair didn't look too greasy. There was a possibility that his shirt was too dirty, in art he had managed to get more charcoal on his white shirt than the paper. 

When he finally reached Dean's street ten minutes later, he was starting to sweat. He ended up going to the wrong house and racing off before the owner could answer. 

Cas stared at the house number and compared it to the one on his phone before finally knocking. It opened within ten seconds of his arrival. A pretty woman stood there, blonde hair in curly waves down to her chest. She gave a beautiful smile and looked him over.

"Oh, hello there. You must be Castiel. Come in. I just finished dinner. I hope you like baked potatoes," she waved him inside. "I'm Mary, by the way. My husband is John," she introduced when they walked by him sitting on the couch. She led him with a gentle hand on his shoulder.

He immediately stood up and made his way to Cas. Without thinking, Cas shrank back and stared down at the ground.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Castiel," John announced, sticking his hand out. 

Cas flinched slightly before tentatively shaking John's hand.

"It's nice to meet you too, sir," he said quietly. 

"Hey, you didn't tell me Cas was here," Dean commented as he arrived in the living room. Cas's worry eased a bit when he saw him.

"Hello, Dean," he greeted. 

"I can tell you've already met my mom and dad. My old man may look a little rough around the edges, but he's harmless really," Dean assured him. John pushed him slightly, chuckling.

"Rough around the edges?" he asked in a playful voice. 

"Sam, come down for dinner!" Mary called as she dragged John away from Dean with a laugh. 

"Come on, you can sit by me," Dean told Cas. "You can set your bag down right here and we'll get to work after dinner," he added as he motioned to the wall. 

Cas did as he was told and then followed after Dean. "Your family seems nice." 

He jumped out of the way when a younger boy ran past him and took a seat. "I finished all my homework already, mom!" he announced happily. 

"Nerd," Dean teased with a smile, seeming to ignore Cas's words.

"Jerk," the boy shot back. Cas assumed this was his younger brother, Sam. 

"Bitch," Dean answered.

"Dean, sit down," Mary warned good-naturedly. 

"So, Cas, how did you get over here?" John wondered suddenly, looking up at the boy.

"I... I walked," Cas replied hesitantly. 

"You walked? Why didn't your parents drive you?" Mary asked with worry. "It's fairly late, after all. And rather cold.”

"They aren't at home. My dad had to pick my mother up," Cas said awkwardly, glancing at Dean. 

"We should eat," Dean remarked.

"Pick her up from where?" asked John at the same time.

"Dad, it doesn't matter. Aren't you hungry?" Dean pointed out as he motioned to the foil wrapped potatoes.

"I'm just asking your friend a question, Dean," John told him. Cas stared down at his plate, silent. 

"Well, don't," Dean snapped while Mary gave a heavy sigh. 

"Please don't do this in front of our guest," she pleaded.

"I don't know where he's picking her up from. I don't know how long they're going to be gone. I don't know, sir," Cas finally rose his voice above the others. The table fell silent as John watched him.

"Well, alright then. See, Dean, he didn't mind telling me," John said passively.

"Right. That's why it took him so long to answer, I guess," Dean muttered. 

"Can we eat? I'm starving," Sam piped up innocently. 

"Yes, Sam. We can eat," Mary agreed hurriedly. She helped John pass out food to everyone, giving Cas a reassuring smile as she did. 

"Sorry about that," Dean leaned over to whisper in Cas's ear. 

"It's fine, Dean. I'm just worried your parents won't like me if they knew where my parents really were," Cas sighed sadly. 

"What do you mean?" Dean asked him gently. 

"I'll tell you later," said Cas. He went silent after that, picking at his potato with a frown. 

"So, Cas, what're your plans for college?" Mary questioned kindly.

"Oh - uhm - I'm not sure what I'm going to do," Cas sheepishly admitted. 

"No plans? You know, I bet Dean could help you out with that," John told him before stuffing a bite of his potato in his mouth. 

"Well, we are only sophomores, dad. He's got plenty of time to make plans and figure it out," Dean pointed out. John gave a nod and held up a finger.

"That's true. Oh, are you gonna take the PSAT this upcoming year?" John questioned.

"My parents don't have the money to do that," Cas said.

"It's free next year," Sam spoke up with a mouth full of bacon bits and cheese. "Dean says so."

"Is it? I didn't realize," Cas laughed nervously. He rubbed the back of his neck and gulped.

"I've actually been tutoring Cas. He just kinda needs extra help sometimes. I think he'll be fine once I finish up," Dean said. 

"Well, if you two are done, you can go ahead and head upstairs. I'll clean up," John told them. Dean nodded and stood up, Cas following his lead. 

"Sorry. They like to question all my friends about their plans. It's kinda a big deal to them," Dean apologized gently.

"It's fine," Cas replied. "And my dad is picking my mom up from work," he added in a rush.

"Oh. You didn't wanna tell them that?" Dean wondered with a small laugh. 

"No, you don't understand, Dean. My mother's work isn't normal. She's a - just never mind," Cas sighed.


	6. March 20, 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about already screwing up my updating times, I got so busy yesterday it completely slipped my mind!

(Tutoring went well. I actually learned a lot, and I consider Dean a good teacher. I also appreciated that he didn't ask more about my mother. He even allowed me to stay the night at his house. When I got home this morning, both mom and dad were asleep. I don't think they realized I was gone last night.

My phone was back on my desk. She didn't go through anything except my texts, and thankfully I'd deleted all my conversations with Dean. He had texted to ask if I made it home ok. 

I didn't text back. I guess because I had just seen him yesterday, or maybe because his parents didn't seem to like me, I don't know. I don't have therapy again until Monday. 

I'm going to try and avoid telling Dean how I'm starting to feel about him. It would ruin everything. It has before. 

Other than the fact that I don't necessarily want to go to school Monday, I feel fine. My mom probably won't let me skip again. 

I've already missed seven days of school because of my mental health. And although she usually acts like she cares, she just does it because my therapist tells her it's helpful to my mentality. 

I don't think that's the exact truth, but I'm not complaining. Saturday is always a bad day for me, it's when I'm most often alone and it's also always too quiet. I can't even hear dad snoring anymore.) 

Just as he finished writing it, his dad stormed in with anger glinting in his eyes and a bottle of alcohol in his hands. "Where the hell were you last night?" 

"I went for a walk," Cas told him. It was partially true, and something about the way he was slurring his words made Cas definitely not want to tell him. 

"And your schoolbag was gone why?" his dad asked bitterly, lips turned down in a snarl. 

"So I could get a headstart on my homework for this weekend. That way I can have Sunday off," said Cas easily. He lied to his parents often enough, and this was just another instance that required it. If they found out about Dean, it would be chaos. 

"Since when do you ever want to do homework? That's the biggest load of bull I've ever heard," he snapped. 

"No, really. Look, I finished all of my Algebra two homework. See?" Cas pulled it out of his bag and showed his father the completed worksheet. Notes littered the sides and craddled the work in loops and curls - an easy way for Cas to remember anything. 

"Oh," he mumbled softly. He handed Cas the paper back and then took a step back. "What time did you get home?"

"I don't know. You and mother were already asleep when I got back," Cas lied again. 

"Just stay in here and finish your homework," his dad ordered before leaving the room. The smell of cigarette smoke followed his departure, making Cas gag. 

(Smells like dad has picked up smoking again. I assume mom is going out again today since it's a Saturday. She says that's when the most business happens.) 

"You're the reason I'm in this damn mess!" 

Cas cringed at his dad's voice yelling. He hadn't heard them fight in what seemed like so long, mostly because mom wasn't around much and dad was usually passed out on the couch. 

"Shut the fuck up, Tyler! You don't get it, I do this to help you!" his mother screamed back. There was a sharp sound, Cas assumed a slap to his mother's face. 

"Look, you little bitch, I'm done saving your ass! Do it yourself! And don't come crying to me when you can't find your home because you're so fucked!" 

Cas clapped his hands over his ears and hummed to himself. His therapist told him it would help with his anxiety. 

"Fuck you! You son of a bitch, fuck you!" he could hear his mom's shrill voice over his humming, so he could feel his throat burning as the tears collected in his eyes. 

"Then leave! Get out!" 

"And leave Cas with you!? I'm not gonna let you screw him up any more than he already is!" she snapped. 

Cas finally stood and went to hide in his closet, the world was mostly quiet in there. He could barely hear their fighting and it gave him a sense of security. 

Closing his eyes, he simply imagined a better life. He could see Dean and himself together and being best friends, he was content. The blue and red streaks in his hair were gone, he was smiling. 

As soon as the image was created, his mother yanked the closet door open and kicked his leg. "Get up!" she commanded. Cas could feel his anxiety growing - a strong wave of unwanted emotion - so he rocked back and forth while his mother tried to get him to stand. She leaned down and grabbed his arm, pulling him up roughly. 

"Stop! Let go!" he yelled as he tried to get away. She slapped him, the impact immediately making him shut his mouth as the stinging began. His jaw ached from the sharp blow. 

"I want you to go to one of your friend's houses for the night. Please, can you do that for me?" she asked gently, more caring than Cas had ever heard her. He gave a quick nod. 

"Don't come back until I text you to, ok?" she asked. He nodded again and watched her pack him a bag in a rush. "Don't talk to your father, just go. Go quick, Cas." 

Castiel looked up at her with fear in his eyes and grabbed his journal before hurrying out. He didn't realize he hadn't changed.

When he got to the door someone shoved him forward, giving him a nosebleed as his slammed into the door. His father snatched his shirt and pulled him back. "Where the hell you going, punk?" 

"I - I-" 

"Leave him alone!" his mother came from nowhere and shoved his father away. He took the opportunity to race out the door and hurry to Dean's house, nose still dripping blood and his cheek still stinging. 

He gave a frantic melee of knocks and prayed for Dean to answer. Instead of Dean, it was his father, John. "What the hell happened to you?" he asked as soon as he saw him. 

"I need to stay here," Cas told him, wiping at his bloody nose to try and stop the flow. It simply smeared over his shirt and made him wince. 

"Who did this to you?" John asked him sharply, making him step back in fear. 

"Please don't hurt me. I don't have anywhere else to go," Cas pleaded sadly. John swept Cas into a comforting hug as he began to sob. John pulled away first and allowed Cas to come inside.

"Dean and Mary went to the grocery store real quick. We just needed a few last minute things, so I'll have to patch you up," John told him. 

"I'm sorry," Cas said quietly. 

"You wanna tell me who did this to you?" asked John sympathetically, leading Cas to the bathroom. 

"I fell on my way over here," Cas lied. He sniffed, but that sent a burning sensation through his nose and made his eyes water. 

"Alright. You don't have to tell me, Castiel. Sit here," John patted the sink's countertop and waited. 

Cas did as he was told and let John wipe away the blood before pulling away. "Looks broken. I'm gonna pop it back into place, just hold onto my arms," John told him as he placed a hand on either side of Cas's nose.

Cas gulped and held onto John's forearms. There was too much pain. He passed out, black dancing across his vision.


	7. March 21, 1016

Cas woke up on a soft bed that was not his own. He had no idea where he was until he sat up and saw Dean snoring softly on the floor, blankets covering his sleeping form. 

He stared down at him for a long moment, thinking. When he finally scrambled off the bed and to Dean's side, he had an idea. 

Without waking him up, he made his way downstairs to find John already awake and cooking something in a pan. 

"Good morning, Castiel," he greeted cheerfully. 

"Morning," Cas said back a little more subdued.

"Did you sleep alright?" John asked him.

"I suppose I slept well," Cas answered softly as he sat down at the dining room table. John glanced over at him and sighed softly.

"You gonna tell me who gave you the bloody and broken nose yesterday?" John wondered gently, taking the pan off the oven to race Cas. 

"I'd rather not," he replied with a shrug. John simply nodded and handed Cas a plate with strips of bacon and eggs on it. "I'm not hungry," he said, even as his stomach growled quietly.

"Eat. I'm not taking that plate back until you eat it all, and no hiding it. Trust me, son, I know all the tricks. My wife was just like you when we first met. I helped her out of it," John told him with a finger pointed at him.

"O - ok," said Cas as he started eating until John gave an approving smile.

"I didn't tell Dean you came with a bloody nose, by the way. For the other person's protection," John suddenly told him. 

"Oh. Well, thank you," Cas rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, his hair falling out of its place. 

"Just gotta take this thing two steps at a time. Whatever it is you're going through, I mean. That's what I used to tell Mary," John took Cas's plate from him once he finished and set it in the sink. 

"Two steps. Thank you, Mr. Winchester," Cas said softly as he stood up. 

"Mr. Winchester? Call me, John. Mr. Winchester was my father, and I'm not my father," John shuddered slightly, shaking his head.

"Hey, dad. And Cas," Dean greeted groggily as he arrived in the kitchen. 

"Morning, son," John replied as he handed him a plate. Dean gladly took it and sat beside Cas to eat. 

"Did you eat yet?" he asked Cas curiously. Castiel gave a nod and smiled slightly. "Hey, dad? Can Cas come to the movies with us today?" 

"I don't see why not," John agreed. 

"Wait, I - I don't have any money," Cas announced sheepishly. 

"Don't worry about it. You're our guest, so we'll pay for you like any good host," John declared quickly. 

"What are we paying for?" wondered Mary and she came and leaned against the counter in front of John. 

"Cas's movie ticket," Dean answered for his father. 

"What are we seeing?" she questioned. 

"We could always movie hop," John suggested with a wide grin. Mary scoffed and hit him in the arm, shaking her head. 

"You are not turning my sons into rule-breakers, John," she said through her laugh. 

John leaned over and kissed her cheek, "I wouldn't dream of it." 

"Yeah, you better watch yourself," Mary teased happily. Cas looked away and smiled down at the table. He wasn't used to seeing a married couple get along in any way. 

"Enough with the PDA, gross," Sam complained moodily as he pulled an annoyed face. 

"Sam's right, that's nasty," Dean joked as he chuckled at Sam. 

"Oh, hush, you two," John defended as he stuck his tongue out at them. Dean rolled his eyes and looked to Cas. He hadn't realized before, but he had a piercing in his eyebrow. Dean had seen the cartilage piercings and the one in his lip. He had parted his hair the other way, that was why. 

"Dean?" Sam called in annoyance, making him jump slightly.

"What?" he asked.

"What are we seeing?" Sam wondered, rocking the chair excitedly. 

"Man, I dunno. I guess whatever Cas wants to see since he's the guest," Dean motioned to him across the table. 

Sam gave Cas a weird look before finally sighing and slumping into the chair with his legs crossed under him. 

"Sammy, c'mere a minute," John suddenly call, moving into his bedroom. Sam followed after him with confusion on his face. 

Dean glanced at his mother and she simply shrugged. "So, Castiel, what would you like to see?" Mary asked.

"I'm not sure what's showing right now. My family doesn't go to the movies often," Cas said quizzically. He was a little confused on why they were asking him. 

"We can look it up and you can pick one," Dean hurriedly told him. He stood up and grabbed Cas's arm, pulling him away from Mary. 

"Why is Sam in trouble?" Cas questioned with worry. 

"Dad's told him before not to judge people because we never know what their homelife is like. Dad noticed the look he gave you," Dean muttered unhappily as he lead Cas upstairs. 

"He's in trouble because he looked at me?" 

"Basically. Here, give me a second to pull it up," Dean leaned over the chair and unlocked the computer before pulling up a web browser and typing in the site for the nearby cinema. 

"What are you in to?" 

"I - uh - what?" Cas stuttered over his words and felt his cheeks grow hot. 

"What movies do you like?" asked Dean again, still facing the computer as he scrolled through the page.

"Oh. Right. Anything action or comedy," replied Cas. 

"So pretty much any good movie, then. Can I ask why you needed to be here?" Dean turned to look at him, nearly stumbling over the computer's chair.  

"Family problems," said Cas awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"Oh. You wanna talk about it?" 

"Not necessarily. Maybe later I'll tell you about it," Cas responded softly. 

"Alright. Hey, it's movie time. Come on," Dean grabbed Cas's arm again and dragged him back into the dining room. 

"What did you two decide on?" asked John when he saw them. Dean released Cas's arm and headed into the kitchen. 

"Anything we want! Cas likes action and comedy, and the cinema is showing all kinds of good stuff," Dean told his father excitedly. 

"Great. We can go now if you'd like. Mary's gotta start laundry, so she won't be joining us. Sam!" 

"Coming! Don't leave without me!" exclaimed Sam as he came running into the living room. He dived for his shoes at top speed, just barely managing to avoid slamming his head into the wall.

"Watch it, Sam. You're gonna get yourself killed one of these days," Dean warned, concern in his voice. Sam stuck his tongue out at him and stuffed his shoes onto his feet before standing. 

"Ok, lets go!" 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

(The movie was alright. A little too loud for my taste, but I didn't really pay attention. He also seemed a little distracted. 

When we arrived back at his house it was late. I'm not telling him why I'm here, I didn't even really tell his father. Besides, it's my own business.)

"Heya, Cas," Dean greeted when he walked back into his room. Cas shut his journal quickly and moved to the bed. 

"Hello, Dean," replied Cas. 

"What were you writing?" Dean wondered innocently, flopping on his back onto the bed with a content sigh. 

"Thoughts. My therapist says it will help with my anxiety," Cas answered moodily. He sat on the bed beside Dean, frowning down at the blanket. 

"Oh, cool. Well, I'm beat so I'm gonna hit the hay. You're welcome to sleep up here if you want," Dean said through a yawn, smiling comfortingly at Cas.


	8. March 22, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> () equals writing  
> [] equals texts  
> {} equals Cas’s evil thoughts  
> || equals Cas’s good thoughts

(I slept on the bed with him, only because he offered. I made sure to stay far away from his side of the mattress. He woke me up with his snoring a few times, but when I hit him it only made it worse.

I managed to sleep a bit even though I was in a strange home once again. I hadn't heard from my mother or father yet. I was slightly worried about my mom. 

He went downstairs to get us both breakfast. After the one yesterday, I'm really not that hungry but he insists I eat. So far I'm doing ok. He is nice enough, and even though Sam apparently hates me, he was nice to me at the movies. He offered me popcorn. I refused.

John of course is a wonderful man. He is always so nice to me. He even had Mary put a bit of foundation over the bruise on my face. It hurt a little, but he hasn't seemed to notice.)

Dean pushed his door open and handed Cas a bowl of cereal. Cas closed his journal, accepting the partially full bowl. 

"Lucky Charms?" wondered Cas.

"Yeah, they're my favorite. Sam ends up eating them all the time, so I hide them. I knew you probably wouldn't be too hungry, so I hope you don't mind." 

"No, I don't. Thank you, Dean. Thank you for letting me stay here for so long," Cas sighed softly and looked away. 

"Long? It's barely been a day. Its no bother to me. Hey, if you want we can invite Charlie and watch Star Wars or Star Trek," suggested Dean through a mouthful of food.

"Close your mouth when you chew," Cas ordered in a sharp tone. Dean's mouth snapped shut as he finished his food. 

"Sorry, I-" 

"Don't apologize," Cas quickly told him, looking upset. "I'll be right back," he stood up, leaving his bowl behind and hurrying away. Dean noticed the Lucky Charms were gone from the bowl, and only the milk remained.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

Castiel locked himself in the bathroom and slid down to sit on the floor, his back against the wooden door. 

{I left my journal in there. What if Dean reads it?}

|He won't you idiot. He's your friend.|

|Text Charlie and ask her to come over today.|

{It's Sunday morning, she's at church.} 

|So what? You can still text her and invite her over. She just won't reply until later.|

Cas pulled out his phone after his mental battle and texted Charlie.

[Dean and I are hanging out at his house today and wanted to know if you'd like to watch Star Wars with us?]

He set his phone down and leant his head back against the door to calm himself. Memories of times he had been slapped for chewing with his mouth open hit him like a brick house. 

Once. He had never done it again, not after that. 

He hadn't meant to yell at Dean, and he certainly wished he could take it back. But he knew he couldn't. It had already happened.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

Once Charlie finally arrived at Dean's house, they started their Star Wars marathon.

"We've gotta start with four, five, six, right?" Dean wondered.

"Well, duh," Charlie answered as if it was obvious. Dean gave her a thumbs up and popped the fourth movie in. 

"Shouldn't we start with one?" Cas asked, earning a scoff from Charlie and a hearty laugh from Dean.

"Those ones are terrible. And Jarjar? he's a joke. The original three are the best, and George Lucas kinda screwed them up," Charlie told him.

"Hey, now. George Lucas is a genius with a vision. Don't insult him," Dean warned. Charlie rolled her eyes but said nothing else as the movie began. 

Dean eventually stood up to get them popcorn to share. Charlie hogged most of it for the first movie and then finally sat on the floor after both Cas and Dean and squished her to give it up. 

They ended up side by side with shoulders touching while they intently watched the fifth movie. 

At some point, Charlie had left the room and Dean's arm had ended up around Cas's shoulders with him leaning into the taller boy.

He fell asleep before the movie ended, and woke up only when Dean shifted to change the movie. Charlie was back, shooting a knowing smile in Cas's direction. It was starting to get fairly dark. 

"I should go, it's getting late and we've got school tomorrow," Charlie announced as she stood up and started easing out into the hallway. 

"Leaving so soon? Drive safe," Dean waved as she turned away. Charlie smiled and rolled her eyes as she quickly grabbed her keys and hurried out the door.

"You want to start the sixth one?" Dean wondered. Cas nodded eagerly, even though he had fallen asleep and was exhausted. 

Dean came back to sit on the couch again, a little farther from Cas than last time. Castiel couldn't hide the small bit of disappointment he felt at that.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

(He is asleep and I can't. I'm beginning to think my mother won't ever tell me to come back. I didn't hear from her today at all. 

I'm worried. Honestly. Mostly because I don't want to be without a home, even if it is dysfunctional. I can't just live with him forever, even if I wanted to. 

I couldn't do that to him or his family. I just can't. I also have no idea how I'm supposed to get to therapy after school if my mom doesn't pick me up. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like such a burden to everyone now.)

Cas closed his journal and buried it in his bag before sitting gently on the bed and curling under the covers. Dean shifted closer to him in his sleep, mumbling something incoherent under his breath. 

Cas simply stared at the ceiling as the clock ticked away the minutes slowly. There was a long moment of silence as he glanced over at Dean and admired his face. He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping. 

It wasn't until a few minutes later that Castiel realized Dean was actually awake and was staring at him just as intently. 

"It's midnight," Dean commented softly, his voice barely above a whisper. Cas just responded with a nod. "Does it hurt?" he suddenly asked.

"Does what hurt?" Cas wondered quietly, confused. Dean didn't answer right away, choosing to sit up and turn on the lamp. He squinted his eyes against the sudden light, turning them into tiny slits of green.

He grabbed Cas's wrist and pulled his sleeve up to reveal the cuts. "Does it hurt when you do it?" he wondered again. 

Cas looked up into his eyes and shifted so he could sit up and face Dean better. 

"That's the point, isn't it?" he replied gently, watching as Dean ran his thumb over some of the fresher ones.

"You hurt, so you hurt yourself more? I'm just trying to understand. Why?" questioned Dean with concern in his voice. 

"To feel something besides empty or hopeless. It's an escape." 

"I don't like it, Cas. Just - I can't - don't do it anymore. Promise me," Dean pleaded softly.

"I'm not making a promise I can't keep, Dean. I'm sorry," Cas pulled his hand away and lied back down. Dean felt a pang in his heart as he turned the light back off and followed Cas's lead.

Cas was staring at the wall and pretending they didn't have the conversation when Dean's arm wrapped around him and pulled him closer.

"I'll help you out of this, Cas. I promise," he whispered stubbornly. Cas liked the warmth at his back, not that he would ever admit that. No, he couldn't do this to Dean. 

He scooted away until Dean's arm dropped back down.


	9. March 23, 2016 (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just by the way I’m a lazy prick and I didn’t match up the dates from March for 2016.... so some days they’re at school might actually be a weekday...so sorry

Dean acted like last night hadn't happened. For Cas to say he was glad was an understatement. John drove them and Sam to school, Sam getting dropped off at the middle school down the way before Dean and Cas.

"Have a good day, you two. Stay outta trouble, Dean," John waved at them as they got out. 

"Uncalled for dad. I always stay out of trouble," Dean said back with a grin. John just rolled his eyes and drove away. 

"What does he mean by that? You don't get into trouble," said Cas tersely as he hurried to get to Dean's side.

"I got into a fight on Friday. That's what he's talking about," Dean explained without interest. 

"A fight? With who?" Cas wondered worriedly.

"Azazel. If he bothers you again, let me know," answered Dean.

"I - I told you not to get involved!" Cas finally exclaimed despite the concern in his mind.

"Too late. He shouldn't be such a dick. He totally had it coming," Dean shot back. 

"He's not a dick, Dean. Just stay out of it," snapped Cas in a rush. 

"No chance. Cas, come on, I was just trying to help," Dean told him. He stopped in the hallway and Cas turned on him. 

"Well don't!" he growled before hurrying away. Dean noticed a few people staring at him, so he rushed away to his class. He walked in and noticed that Cas was nowhere to be found, even though the class was almost completely full otherwise.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

After Mr. Singer took role, Dean fell asleep. He only woke up when the bell rang for his next class. 

Cas hadn't shown up. 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

At lunch, Charlie was the only one at the table. 

"Hey," greeted Dean softly. 

"Cas needs a ride to therapy. I can't do it because I've got work," Charlie said immediately. 

"Uh - what?" 

"He wanted me to ask you for a ride. He left; said he wasn't feeling well. He's probably out walking in the park or something. Just be here to give him a ride after school," Charlie ordered. 

"Why didn't he just ask me himself?" asked Dean.

"He's sick, dumbass." 

"Yeah, right. But I gave him a ride here. He was staying at my house," Dean finally sat down and glared at her.

"He didn't tell me that part. Just - ugh! - be here to give him a ride after school. Geez!" Charlie exclaimed and started eating her sandwich. 

"Alright! I will." 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

After school, Cas arrived at Dean's side as he was walking out.

"Dude, where the hell were you all day?" he asked.

"Rebuilding bridges," replied Cas mysteriously.

"Where's your therapist's office?" Dean changed the subject quickly, not understanding what Cas meant.

"On Main. It's not hard to miss," said Cas.

"Great. How long does it usually take? You want us to wait for you?" wondered Dean. 

"I would like you to wait. It usually only lasts a half hour," Cas responded as they finally got outside. John's car was waiting idly for them in front.

Sam rolled his window down and called Dean's name happily. 

"Heya, Sammy!" he said back. "We've gotta give Cas a ride to therapy, dad," he announced.

"Alright. I'll drop you two off then get Sam home and pick you up. Will that be all right?" 

"That will be fine, thank you," Cas smiled at him as he buckled his seat belt. John returned the favor through the rearview mirror before starting the car and driving away. 

"It's that one on Main, right?" John questioned. Cas simply nodded in reply. John made the turn and pulled into the center, stopping at the door for both Dean and Cas. 

"I'll pick you up in a half hour," he called quickly. Dean gave him a thumbs up and followed Cas inside.

"Good afternoon, Castiel. I see you finally brought a guest for your session?" the attendant asked happily. 

"This is Dean. Is she here yet?" Cas wondered.

"Ms. Nyf is in the back already, yeah. Here you go," she handed Cas a card with his face on it. 

"Thank you, Jody. Come on, Dean," he motioned for Dean. 

"What does she mean finally brought a guest?" questioned Dean curiously.

"My therapist suggests I bring a guest to some of my sessions. She thinks it's supposed to help me heal or something like that," Cas told him. He swiped his card over a pad and the door beeped.

"Why the locks?" 

"They have really bad cases in here, so it's for security. I don't think there's ever been an incident though," Cas shrugged and held the door open for Dean. 

"Castiel! You've finally brought a guest!" Ms. Nyf said happily. Her delicate frame and short stature nearly made Dean laugh. The tiny glasses on her face made her already small brown eyes look even smaller. She looked like she’d break if someone touched her.

"Yes. This is Dean," Cas introduced him. 

He shook her hand gently, his fingers engulfing her own. "Oh, Mr Winchester! I've heard many things about you," she announced excitedly. Dean could hear the slight Asian accent in her voice now. 

"Have you?" he asked nervously, glancing at Cas who was pretending to watch the birds outside the window. 

"Good things. Castiel, can you please sit down so we can start?" she asked gently. He turned from the window and took a seat. Dean opted to stand by the door and lean against the wall as Ms. Nyf pulled out a pen and paper attached to a clipboard. 

"How is home right now?" questioned Ms. Nyf. 

"My mother made me leave for the weekend. I haven't heard back from her yet," Cas answered, making Dean fidget uncomfortably. This was personal stuff that Cas hadn't wanted to share.

"Why did she make you leave?" 

"My father. I think he was drunk. She told me not to argue," Cas stared at Ms. Nyf's desk intensely.

"What started the fight, Castiel? Something your mother did?" 

"Dad had to pick her up from work the night before. He was - uhm - mad that she was lost," Cas's voice went quiet. 

"Where was she working that night, Cas, do you know?" 

"No, she didn't tell me. I know she had another black eye. And she was limping," whispered Cas sadly. Dean crossed his arms and glared down at the floor.

"And Thursday you told me she had bruises around her neck? Was that from work?" 

Cas just nodded. 

"Tell me more about the fight," Ms. Nyf suggested softly.

"I think he slapped her," Cas choked out. "I don't - I can't remember all of it. I - I hid in the closet. They were yelling and I couldn't - I didn't -" Cas could feel his throat closing as the memories surfaced, his anxiety beginning to take over.

"It's alright, Castiel. You're in a safe place. Dean and I are going to keep you safe," comforted Ms. Nyf as she stood and set a reassuring hand on Cas's shoulder. 

He pulled away from her and scrambled to the door. "Get up," he called quietly to himself. Tears began to form in his eyes as he hurried to leave.

Just as he reached the door, Dean grabbed his arm and pulled him into a tight hug. 

Cas sobbed into his chest and allowed himself to be held, his shoulders and arms shaking like he was freezing cold. 

Ms. Nyf helped them to the couch so Dean could comfort him. 

"She - she hit me. She slapped me and I was trying to run - out the door - and my dad he gave me a bloody nose - and I ran to Dean's house but he wasn't home - but his dad was and - and he helped me even though I don't deserve it because I'm just a burden to everyone," Cas cried out to them. The tears came even faster.


	10. March 23, 2016 (Part Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> () equals Cas’s writing   
> || equals Cas’s good thoughts   
> {} equals Cas’s bad thoughts

"Cas, it's all right. I'm here," Dean whispered gently as he rubbed Cas's back. 

"Your mother hit you, Cas?" Ms. Nyf asked to validate. 

"I - I don't know. I don't know," Cas replied through his tears.

"Leave him alone. He's obviously done with this session," Dean snapped at Ms. Nyf with malice. She seemed to rear back as if she had been hit. 

"He's not done. This happens often with Castiel. He'll calm down soon enough, you can take my word for it," she replied in a quiet voice. 

Dean glared at her as Cas sobbed into his hands on the couch, his knees curled under him while Dean tried to assure him that everything was fine and he was safe.

"Oh, Castiel. You've cut again," Ms. Nyf suddenly said sadly as she noticed the fresh cuts. Dean looked up at her again, almost impressed that she noticed. 

Cas leaned away finally and looked down at his wrists with sadness. He pulled his sleeves down to cover them again and sniffled. 

"What happened after you went to Dean?" she changed the subject.

"He wasn't home. He went shopping with his mom so John helped me clean up. He even gave me clothes to wear so nobody would see the blood," Cas said. 

"Did you tell him how it happened?" wondered the therapist.

"No. What was I supposed to tell him? By the way, my dad shoved me against the door hard enough to break my nose? He would have reported him. I don't want to lose my family," Cas spat bitterly. 

"Cas, you cannot just keep that stuff in anymore. You need to tell people no matter the consequences. You know what happened with Azazel, right? It's the same circumstance. 

"Speaking of him - how is Azazel?" 

"You're asking him about that jerk?" Dean scoffed and rolled his eyes. Ms. Nyf shot him a pointed look when Cas hit his arm. 

"Azazel is doing fine," he answered.

"Still calling you names, though?" she wondered.

"The usual," Cas muttered. 

"I see. Have you asked him why lately?" 

"He says his dad keeps.... doing the same thing," Cas glanced up at Dean as he said this. 

"I see. Has he told anyone?" 

"A lot. His mom just tells them he's lying. If he runs away he won't have anyone to go to," Cas said sadly. 

"What about you?" 

"My parents would never let him stay," snapped Cas. 

"Because you're gay?" 

"Right. They'd kick us both out," Cas replied moodily, crossing his arms over his stomach. Ms. Nyf switched her gaze to Dean to see his reaction, but there was none. 

"Did you already tell Dean?" 

Cas shook his head and sighed. It was a long moment of quiet before she finally spoke again.

"Dean, what do you think about Cas being gay?" she asked. Cas's head shot up as if he had only just remembered Dean was in the room.

"Don't answer that!" he exclaimed in a rush. 

"Why? It's not like it's a big deal. You like dudes, great. So do I," Dean shrugged and looked back to the therapist. She gave an approving smile and looked back to Cas who was staring at Dean like he'd grown two heads. 

"Time is almost up. Anything else you'd like to tell me?" 

Cas stood up and shook his head. Dean followed his lead and headed out before he could. 

"You stick with him, Castiel. He cares about you. Don't you dare lose him, not like before," Ms. Nyf pulled him into a comforting hug and then let him go with a wave.

"That was - eventful," Dean started awkwardly when he arrived outside.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that," Cas laughed slightly and rubbed the back of his neck. 

"Your parents really did that to you?" wondered Dean softly, voice filled with concern. Cas shrugged and looked away as they walked out. He returned his card to Jody and then went to wait at the front door. 

"I'm sorry. About everything. Getting involved with Azazel too, I'm sorry," Dean apologized quietly. He sounded ashamed.

"It's fine, Dean. There was no way for you to have known," responded Cas. 

"What does his dad do to him? Does he beat him, too?" asked Dean bitterly. His fists clenched by his sides as he locked his jaw. 

"No. No, Azazel's father is far worse. I'm not going to tell you, Dean. It's not something I should share, especially to someone he has problems with," Cas explained sadly. 

Dean nodded and then opened the door as his dad pulled up to the front. "That's understandable," he finally agreed. Cas hurried to get into the car since it was beginning to get cold outside.

"How did it go, Cas?" John asked.

"Fine, thank you," Cas replied. 

"You still need to crash at our place?" wondered John again. Cas reached into his back pocket to check his phone and saw no new messages. 

"Yes, please. I'm sorry to inconvienence you," said Cas with a sigh. 

"None of that. I'm happy to have you over, and I'm sure Dean is glad to have a friend. Are you hungry, we can pick something up?" John looked back at them from the rearview mirror. 

"I'm not hungry," Cas shook his head. John started the car and pulled away with a grunt for response. 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

(He left with John to pick Sam up from soccer practice. I didn't want to go, not after that therapy session. 

I didn't expect to have that reaction. My anxiety must be worse than I thought. I haven't been able to take the medication since it's still at home. 

My mom still hasn't texted me to come home. Maybe she forgot about me, who knows? 

I think she might just be waiting to make sure my dad won't go crazy again. 

Then again, maybe she's dead. Maybe he killed her and just left her to rot in the house while he destroys himself with alcohol and cigarettes.

Either way, my life is ruined. If I ever do go back, dad will be pissed that I ran off in the first place. 

I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like a lost dog searching for it's owner. The same owner that abandoned it in the first place. 

It's like I'm drowning no matter what I do. He doesn't seem to realize that not everything is his fault. He's still apologizing for Azazel, but he would never know. He still doesn't.

I don't know, maybe he never will.   
He's too stubborn to forgive himself for anything, even if he never caused it.)

Cas could hear footsteps racing up the stairs so he closed his journal and put it away just as the door opened. Dean came in looking a little out of breath. 

"Hey," he said happily.

"Hello, Dean," greeted Cas as he stood to move to the bed. 

"You tired?" he asked. Cas nodded and kicked off his shoes and crawled under the blanket. 

"Well, I'm gonna change really quick and I'll be back," Dean announced as he dug through his drawer and grabbed something.

"Alright," Cas mumbled. Dean left the room and Cas heard the faucet in the bathroom turn on a few moments later. 

{He only said he was gay to make you feel better}

|I know|

Cas shut his thoughts off by singing music internally. Dean came back into the room in boxers and a loose t-shirt. 

He jumped into the bed and settled himself underneath the covers. Cas glanced over at him with a sigh. 

"Don't say anything," Dean muttered as he closed his eyes and scooted closer to Cas.

"But, you're gay too," Cas blurted out. 

"Yeah," Dean agreed and looped his arm around Cas's waist without another word.


	11. March 24, 2016

The next morning was spent in silence. John had made them breakfast, but both Cas and Dean were too tired to say much.

Neither boy had been able to fall asleep last night, the thundering storm waking them up consistently. 

"You can stay home today if you'd like. As long as there's no tests today," John finally broke the silence to tell them. 

"I don't have any, which means Cas doesn't either," Dean yawned out as Cas agreed with a nod. 

"Then you two go back to bed. Go sleep and when you wake up I'll be back. I've gotta get the oil changed in my car," he told them.

"Alright. Thanks, dad," Dean mumbled as he stood and shuffled back to his room. Cas trudged after him, rubbing at his eyes as he did. 

"Your father is too nice for his own good," Cas mumured sadly, worry coursing through him as he realized he still had not heard from his mother. It had been nearly four days now, and still nothing. 

"He's a good guy. I really appreciate him. I don't know what I'd do without him," Dean breathed and looked over at Castiel with a grin. 

Cas looked away from that glorious smile because his heart skipped a beat and he couldn't handle his feelings. This boy had been in his life for a week and he was already too important for Cas's comfort. He couldn't have people be important to him, that would mean he had impacted a life.

That would mean he couldn't leave when he wanted because it would hurt those he loved. This couldn't be happening.

"I wish I had someone like that in my life," Cas finally broke the heavy silence. His voice cracked, and he had a sudden revelation that there were tears streaming down his face. 

"Hey, woah, Cas. It's alright. It's okay," Dean cupped his face with his hands and pulled it up to meet his eyes. There was such a sincerity in them that Cas couldn't help but start crying harder. 

He was yanked into a much needed hug. He buried his face in Dean's chest and wrapped his arms around his waist like his life depended on it. In a cruel way, it did. 

This thought made its way through Cas's mind faster than he realized. And it was then he realized that Dean kept him here. Even Charlie wasn't this important to Cas. 

"It's alright. I'm here," Dean comforted gently, rubbing small circles into Cas's back. 

"Hey, Dean! Come here a second!" called John from somewhere downstairs.

"Just a second!" Dean called back in a rush. He opened the door to his room and helped Cas to the bed. "You alright?" 

"Yeah. Yeah, I think so," Cas nodded slightly.

Dean patted his shoulder and hurried to answer his father's call. Cas curled up on the bed and closed his eyes.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

"What was happening up there? I heard crying," John asked with worry. 

"Everything's fine. Cas just got a little worked up," answered Dean with a slight shrug.

"Dean, I need you to listen to me for a few minutes, all right?" John waited until Dean nodded in understanding.

"I need you to tell me what happened in Cas's therapy session," John told Dean gently.

"What? No, dad. That's personal stuff and it's not my responsibility to tell his personal life," Dean said defensively.

"It's always your responsibility to tell! Because he's not going to, Dean. That boy needs help, son. And, sure, he's going to therapy, but I've seen his wrists and I'm sure you have too. He barely eats, he can't have a serious conversation without breaking down! He's depressed, and the only way to help him is to tell someone and be there for him," John said harshly. 

Dean shrank back from his father and looked away. He had never seen him so mad. 

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to get worked up. I just know how hard it was to help Mary through this when we met and I don't want you to go through that. It nearly killed me trying to support her all the time, Dean. I just don't want you to lose him," sighed John heavily as he leaned back against the counter.

"I'm not gonna lose him. I'm gonna make sure he stays here. I've already promised to help him through this," Dean replied before turning away and walking back to his room. 

Cas was asleep and snoring gently on the bed, curled in a ball with the blanket wrapped around everything except his nose when Dean opened the door. 

His phone buzzed on the nightstand, but he wasn't waking. Dean picked it up and saw multiple messages from a contact named 'The Whore of Babylon'. He set the phone back down and softly shook Cas's shoulder. 

"Hm? What?" he mumbled out wearily as he sat up. The blanket fell from around his head. 

"You've got messages," Dean told him as he motioned to the phone. Cas's eyes lit up as he quickly grabbed it and looked through the texts. 

"My mom is fine," he breathed with a hint of happiness in his voice. "She said she would pick me up after therapy. She's okay, Dean," Cas grinned as Dean chuckled. 

"Glad to hear it. So you'll still need a ride there, right?" 

Cas nodded and lied back on the bed again. Dean followed his lead and kicked his shoes off with his feet, burrowing under the covers.

"You won't be able to stay with me for this therapy session. If my mother sees you -" Cas shuddered visibly, which made the whole bed gently quake with him. 

"The whole gay thing, again," guessed Dean ruefully. Cas simply nodded and closed his eyes against the growing sunlight filtering in through Dean's sheer curtains. 

The two boys lied together silently in the bed and let the time pass slowly by, sharing a few looks that asked questions they were too afraid to. 

"Dean," Cas whispered to break the quiet surrounding them. Dean looked over at him and raised an eyebrow in wonder. He stared at the ceiling so the taller boy wouldn't see his blushing cheeks.

"Why me?" he finally managed to ask in a tentative voice that barely picked up air. 

"What do you mean?" 

"Of all the people to be friends with, why me?" repeated Cas in a rush. 

Dean tensed beside him; Cas could feel the way the bed shifted. He went quiet and looked away. Cas grew worried as the anticipation in his mind blossomed and bloomed into fear. 

"You were someone I could care about. I knew the first day I saw you that you were someone who needed help and I wanted to be that person. I wanted to learn everything about you. I wanted to be close to you," replied Dean softly. His voice was barely a whisper in the silent room. 

"But why? I'm not anything special, I'm just me," Cas said back, just as quiet. 

Dean's hand reached out and found Cas's, fingers intertwining cautiously as he finally looked over at met the wide stare of ocean blue eyes. "You're special to me," he told him. 

Cas couldn't hide the flush on his face as it spread fiercely onto his neck and encompassed every inch of his body. His heart skipped a beat in his chest, butterflies fluttering in his stomach and making it churn and fidget uncomfortably. 

{Don't do this to him. Don't let him fall for you. Don't do this to yourself.}

"Thank you, Dean," he finally said. He curled closer to him and buried his head in his neck, breathing in the smell of leather and sandalwood. Dean's arms wrapped around Cas's waist with a hum of happy satisfaction.


	12. March 25, 2016

(I got into a fight with my mother. She talked to my therapist who told her about him. 

She asked why I had to go to a boy of all people. 

I tried to tell her that he was my closest friend, but she just told me to stop being such a disease. I thought we were on better terms now, but I guess whatever happened with dad made her hate me again. Whatever.

He texted me twice to ask how therapy went. I wasn't going to tell him that I had a very vivid dream about us being together. I hadn't even told my therapist about that. It wasn't a dirty dream. 

It was actually very nice. I was happy, smiling even. And he seemed radiant, as always. We were living together in a beautiful house and there was a little girl with us. I think she was our daughter. 

I can't bare to think of him sticking with me for that long. I can't even imagine how hard it must have been for him to get me better. I can't do that to him. 

It's just so hard to refuse when he's so caring. He takes the time to make sure I'm actually well. He made sure I ate when I was at his house. His parents are also extremely kind to me, and it's almost too much for me to handle.

Dad wasn't home when we got here. Either mom drove him out or he decided to leave of his own accord. I'm hoping it was the former, I don't think I could cope if I found out he actually left us.

Therapy was good for once. She brought me a box of Lucky Charms and I'm still holding onto them. They remind me of him and they are my favorite because of that.   
Plus it was a comforting gesture for her to do. 

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to continue with him right now. I don't want to hurt him, but I also feel so attached to him. It frightens me if I'm being honest. I've never had someone become so important to me so quickly, and I hate that I've allowed myself to do this. I need to try and detach myself from him, but that's hard when all I want is the attention he's all too willing to give. 

I'll be late for the bus if I don't go. Hopefully today will be better.)

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

Dean hadn't ridden the bus, but Cas managed to stay out of trouble since Lisa was also gone.

When he arrived inside the school, he headed to his locker. He could see Dean and Charlie chatting at the boy's locker down the hall. As soon as Dean looked over and saw him, Charlie grabbed the front of his shirt and yanked him down into a very passionate kiss. 

{Wait, what the fuck?}

Cas turned away and took a steadying breath even as the wolf whistles reached his ears. 

Dean grabbed Charlie's shoulders and pushed her back, separating with a crass sound that made his stomach churn. "What the hell, Charlie!?" 

Her red hair turned to see Cas disappearing around a corner with his knuckles white. 

"Stay away from him," she growled at Dean as she looked back at him. 

"Keep your pure hands to yourself and leave him alone. He doesn't need this from you," she continued with a fierce gleam in her eyes. 

"What the fuck does that have to do with you kissing me?" Dean hissed as he clenched his fists at his sides, trying to calm his urge to punch her. 

"He needs to learn that people let you down! I did that to keep him away from you, you idiot!" Charlie shoved Dean's fuming form away from her and stalked off to find Cas. 

"That stupid little bitch," Dean slammed his locker shut and stormed away, his mind whirling and whirring with destructive thoughts and revenge. 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

Cas didn't sit with Dean at lunch. In fact, he didn't even see him in class that day. He couldn't text him because he had left his phone at home to charge. 

This day couldn't get any worse.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

By the time the end of the day rolled around, Dean hadn't seen Cas or Charlie. 

As he was setting the textbooks he didn't need into his locker, he was shoved aside and stumbled to the floor. 

"Hey, watch it!" he shouted before looking up to find Azazel standing above him. 

"Sorry," he muttered quickly, earning a surprised look from Dean. "I need your help," he suddenly announced in a rush. 

Azazel pulled Dean up and closed his locker, then yanked him down the hallway by his arm. 

"What the hell, man? I barely know you, and in case you forgot, I'm the one who gave you that busted lip," Dean muttered bitterly while attempting to get his arm loose from Azazel's iron grip. 

"Doesn't matter," Azazel held an air of authority in his voice as he stopped and turned to look at Dean. "Here," he shoved a book into his arms and then started to walk away. 

"What is this for?" 

Azazel whirled back around and smirked at him. "That's Cas's diary. He gave it to me to hold onto, and I suggest you read it," he commanded.

"I'm not reading his personal stuff. And why does he trust you to carry it around?" wondered Dean skeptically. 

Azazel stepped closer until he was invading Dean's personal space and then whispered, "I wasn't the one kissing his best friend that swore she was a lesbian, Dean. I'm not the one that told him he was special only to stab him in the back the next day." 

Dean watched with shock while Azazel backed away and took off down the hallway without another look back. 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

Dean arrived at his home and then went immediately for his phone to text Cas. 

[Where do you live azazel gave me your journal and i need to give it back to you and explain]

Then he waited for a response and searched through his fridge for food to eat. He ended up settling for a slice of pizza when his phone buzzed a few times.

[I will come over to retrieve my journal. 

Why did Azazel give it to you? I don't understand that. 

Also, I'm not mad at you about earlier. Charlie and I had a falling out because of it, but I don't really mind. I just wish she hadn't done that to you.]

Dean gave a soft sigh of relief. 

"When did you get home?" John asked when he noticed Dean in the kitchen. 

"Not too long ago. Cas is coming over for a few minutes to pick something up. He accidentally left it here," Dean answered. 

John gave him a look of disapproval but said nothing else. 

"Please, don't. I know he's bad for me or a bad influence. But I really care about him, dad. I wanna help him, and I want him to get better, really," Dean picked up on the look. 

John crossed his arms and leaned into the counter with a sardonic laugh. "That's good. Dean, I wasn't gonna tell you to stay away from him. He needs someone like you to help him. And I know that if anyone can help him, it's gonna be you," he assured him. "Oh, Mary is picking Sam up from soccer practice today, so don't worry about that." 

"Ok. Thanks, dad." 

John gave a dismissive wave and smiled down at him before heading back to the living room to watch television. 

Cas arrived a few minutes later and thanked Dean for keeping the journal. If he denied pressing a chaste kiss to Dean's cheek, that was okay.


	13. March 26, 2016

(Dean insisted he didn't look inside. I believe him of course. 

Perhaps I shouldn't have kissed him. Even if it was just on his cheek. Too pushy. Not to mention his father was right around the corner, he probably heard us. 

He hasn't texted me since that. I want to text him, but I'm nervous about what he would say. 

I deleted Charlie's number. I probably won't talk to her again. I told my therapist yesterday what happened with her. She suggested Charlie was trying to protect me, but I don't see how that means she had to kiss him. 

School today was uneventful. Dean wasn't at school, so I was also bored. Would I be lying if I said I wasn't worried? Most definitely. Would I ever admit that to him? Not a chance. 

Besides, Dean doesn't seem to mind the way we've been acting together. Perhaps I should text him.)

Just as he wrote it down, his phone buzzed with a message from Dean. 

[What was the deal with the thing you did yesterday did that have meaning]

Cas sighed heavily and went to lay on his bed. He had to think for a few minutes before responding.

[If it did mean anything, would that bother you? We are friends, aren't we?] 

[Dean: No it wouldnt bother me im just asking and yeah we are friends Cas :)]

[Cas: I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable.]

[Dean: You didnt man dont worry about it its fine]

[Cas: I am sorry about what happened with Charlie. I wouldn't have ever thought she would do that. :/]

[Dean: Yeah idk what that was about it was kinda weird too I dont even wanna think about it]

[Cas: I understand. Thank you for returning my journal. Are you sure you didn't look inside?]

[Dean: No problem I didnt look inside Cas I told you that already come on man wheres the trust]

Cas chuckled slightly and shifted his position. He hid his phone just as his door opened, his mother barging in. 

"Your father called. I've got to work, will you be okay by yourself?" she asked him with concern. 

"Yes," said Cas easily. Maybe he could sneak to Dean's for a little bit. 

"Be sure to take a shower. And do your homework," she commanded before slipping farther into his room. The crop top she was wearing rode too high and Cas looked away to avoid the sight.

"Yes, ma'am," he agreed softly.

"I'll be back tomorrow morning. And your father will probably be out for the next week," she added. 

"Okay," Cas answered. She gave a small smile and then turned and left the room, closing his door behind her. 

[Cas: Are you free tonight?]

[Dean: Yeah why whats up man]

[Cas: My mother left so I've got an empty house. Would you like to come over?]

[Dean: Sure ill be over soon whats the address]

Cas sent him a reply and then set his phone down so he could clean his room. He threw most of his clothes into the closet and then shut the door, going to clear the table from clutter.

This was fine. He could handle the majority of the other mess. He wouldn't look at the dusty shelves or messy desk. His bed was unmade, but the doorbell rang before he could do anything about it. 

"Hello, Dean," Cas greeted as he opened the door to find Dean in an AC/DC shirt and dark jeans. "Come in," he stepped aside and allowed him to step into the house.

"Nice place," Dean commented with a smile. Cas gave him a weird look but said nothing. The smell of smoke hung over them and Cas found himself regretting the decision to invite him over.

"So your room or the living room?" asked Dean as he started to make his way past the foyer and into the hallway that led to the musty living room. 

"My room!" Cas quickly grabbed his arm and pulled him down the opposite hall. "It is the only one I cleaned after all," he commented. 

"You didn't have to clean for me, Cas," Dean laughed at him. He only just now noticed the slight bruise on Cas's cheek, the rage inside him growing with each step. 

"I felt it was necessary. My room is now the cleanest one in our house," Cas remarked with a pointed look at him. 

"You gonna tell me what that was yesterday?" Dean asked him suddenly. Cas's heart skipped at beat and started pumping faster, but he remained stoic. 

"What what was?" he wondered. 

"The kiss you gave me yesterday before you left. What did that mean?" Dean questioned, grabbing Cas's arm to turn him around. 

Cas looked up at him with a hint of fear in his eyes. "That depends, Dean," he responded.

"On what?" Dean raised an eyebrow in confusion and stared at him. 

"On what you want it to mean, of course," said Cas as he turned back around. Dean's hand fell from his arm and he followed him the rest of the way to his room. 

"So, say I didn't want it to mean anything," Dean suggested.

"Then it was a friendly gesture," Cas's voice hardened at that and Dean caught the tone. 

"And if I wanted it to mean something?" 

"What do you want it to mean?" asked Cas with a tilt of his head. They sat on his bed with the door closed, the air conditioning kicking on with a whine. 

"Well, I don't really know. I mean, I do, but I'm not sure that's what you want," said Dean with a sudden nervousness that made even Cas's stomach flutter. 

"And what do you want it to mean, Dean?" asked Cas curiously. He fiddled with the sheet to occupy his hands because they were itching to be on Dean and he couldn't handle that intense desire. 

"Well," Dean took a deep breath before continuing, "I want it to mean that we're more than what people think. I want it to mean that people leave you the hell alone because they're scared of your...boyfriend beating them up," he muttered as he looked away. 

"Would you beat people up?" wondered Cas with worry. He turned to look at Dean to find the boy's forest green eyes already searching his. 

"Only if you think that person deserves it," Dean replied airily. 

Cas rolled his eyes and glared at Dean. "I've seen enough violence to say that no one deserves it, no matter how rude they may seem," he told him bitterly. 

"Then I won't beat anyone up. I'll just make sure they know that you and I belong to each other," said Dean with an easy shrug. 

"Then it means something more," Cas agreed with a happy grin. Dean nodded slightly and laid back on the bed. 

"Where are your parents?" he finally asked. 

"Not here," Cas dodged the question all together and returned to his sitting position. 

"You gonna tell me who gave you that?" wondered Dean, pointing to the healing bruise speckled on his cheekbone. 

"No, I'd rather not. You weren't at school today," Cas changed the subject and now it was Dean's turn to squirm with discomfort. 

"Yeah. There was... stuff at home and I just - yeah, it's complicated," he replied awkwardly. 

"Would you like to talk about it?" Cas wondered softly. 

"I'll text you about it later tonight. It's just a lot of information to deal with," Dean admitted. Cas set a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I understand, Dean. I'm sorry," he told him gently. "What would you like to do?" 

"We could watch a movie. Although you don't have a DVD player in here, so..." Dean trailed off.

"The living room then," said Cas with a shrug.


	14. March 27, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> () writing  
> || Cas’s good thoughts   
> {} Cas’s evil thoughts   
> [] texts

(Yesterday was fun. We ended up watching old reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which for some reason he found hilarious.

I don't understand the point of the "breaking fourth walls", but I've chosen not to question it. Especially since he found the show to be so entertaining. I may continue watching it if I am able to have the television. 

My mother didn't come home last night, so I asked him for a ride. He should be here soon.)

Cas closed his journal and grabbed his bag, going to wait outside. His mother pulled up in her beat up Stratus just as a sleek, black Impala placed itself in front of his yard. 

{Shit.}

He stood as his mother exited the car, wearing the same crop top from yesterday. 

"Who the hell is that? Is it that little faggot you went to therapy with?" 

"It's Dean Winchester, actually. And I'm just driving Cas to school today, he wasn't sure you'd be home in time," Dean announced as he stuck his hand out for her to shake. 

"It's... nice? to meet you," she murmured warily. She didn't shake his hand. "I'm home now, so I can take him."

"You sure?" wondered Dean. "You look awful tired and its no trouble for me," he continued with a wide smile that showed off his perfect teeth. 

"Oh, well, I am pretty exhausted. I had a late night. Thank you," she gave him a nervous laugh and then headed back inside. 

"She's a hooker," Dean commented when the door closed. "Man, no wonder you didn't wanna tell my parents where she was. You ready?" 

"She's a prostitute, not a hooker. And, yes, I am ready," Cas muttered.

Dean shrugged. "Is there really a difference?" 

"Of course there's a difference!" Cas declared before slamming the door shut and then climbing into the front seat. 

"Sorry, Cas. Seriously," Dean told him sincerely. 

"Thank you - for acting normal around her, I mean," Cas said with a slight smile. 

Dean gave a soft laugh, "Well like I said - I don't like to judge people. If that's what she's gotta do to support you two, then I can't really say anything. Plus she's an adult." 

Cas didn't say anything more, simply happy that Dean's charm had convinced his mother to allow him this. "I enjoyed our time together yesterday," he finally broke the silence. 

"Yeah? I was kinda worried it would be awkward after the whole "I wanna date you" thing. But, yeah, I had a lot of fun too," agreed Dean with a grin. 

"I don't understand why it would have been awkward," Cas turned his head to look at him. 

Dean's face went red, making Cas have a mental "aw" moment as the boy's freckles flashed prominently in his embarassment. 

"Well - I just meant - it's - I dunno what I meant," Dean finally admitted sheepishly. Cas just laughed shortly, shaking his head in amusement. 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

When they arrived at the school, people were already beginning to file inside for their first period. 

"This alright?" wondered Dean when he threw an arm around Cas's shoulders. 

"Yes, it is," Cas replied with a gentle smile. Despite the happiness he felt, the grin didn't reach his eyes. If Dean noticed, he gave no indication. 

They entered the school with Dean's arm still around Cas's shoulders, an easy smile on his features. "If you want, I won't bring it up," he said.

"Bring what up?" questioned Cas with mild interest, glancing up at him. 

"Your mom's job," Dean replied with a shrug, the warmth of his arm receding with the motion before settling. "Or her in general," he added in a whisper. 

"Oh. Well, thank you," said Cas cautiously. 

"So who's the pillow-biter?" 

They were stopped by an unkind face with a sneering smirk and two followers snickering behind him. 

"Sorry?" Dean tilted his head forward, one eyebrow raised.

"I said who's the pillow-biter? The bottom? I'm assuming you, because I'm sure the tough-guy thing is just an act," he pointed at Dean and sent the other two off in another fit of laughter. 

Cas felt Dean tense at his side, his arm sliding from around his shoulders to form fists. 

"Dean, don't. Let's just go," he grabbed his arm and pulled him back. 

"Aw, isn't that cute? His top is protecting him from us. What's the matter, Winchester? You scared?" asked one of the others. 

"Yeah, you wish, Finnerman," Dean snapped back. He allowed Cas to pull him away despite the anger rolling in his gut.

"You shouldn't provoke them, Dean. Just ignore everything they say," suggested Cas gently. 

"Do you not care? I've gotten that shit my entire life about how I'm just covering up or some bullshit like that. It pisses me off," Dean raged. 

"Believe me, I have received similar torment. I have just chosen not to allow them to get inside my head," Cas responded.

|You're lying to the both of you, Cas.|

Cas ignored his thoughts and soothed Dean with a small hug. "I hate people like that, Cas. They just go around assuming they know everything about everyone when they're the ones who need a wake-up call," continued Dean, his voice finally losing its fight. 

"It's time for class. Just forget about them," said Cas once more. 

Dean gave him a grumpy look but kept quiet. He wrapped his arm once again around Cas's shoulder and they walked to class without anymore disturbances. 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

After Cas's therapy session, his mother dropped him off at home and went to work. 

[Do you mind if I come over? I require assistance on the algebra homework we were given.]

It was only a few minutes after 4:30, so Cas wasn't sure how fast Dean would be able to get home. Instead of waiting for a reply, he started working on the problems he could do. 

At half past six, Cas began to grow worried. He hadn't heard back from Dean yet, and he could feel his anxiety clawing its way up his throat. 

It wasn't until nearly 7:45 that Dean finally replied. 

[Not today cas sorry]

Why wouldn't Dean be able to have him over? Questions boiled over in Cas's mind as he ran through what had happened today. Had he done something wrong? Perhaps Dean was already growing tired of seeing him. 

{He's probably just sick of you.}

|That's not helpful, brain. I do not need your input.|

{How could anyone ever want you, Cas? You're poisonous. Everyone you love leaves you, Cas. They always have.}

|Stop it.|

{Azazel did. Benny did. Even your own father did. It was only a matter of time before Dean left too.}

Dean probably has his own problems to deal with right now. He's busy.

{Busy avoiding you, Cas. It's time to face the facts. You're just not worth it. He's finally realized that all your problems are worthless. Just like you.}

Cas finally broke down and started sobbing. His anxiety had gotten the better of him, and now he was slouched over his desk wetting his homework with his tears. 

There was only one thought running through his mind now, and he wasn't sure what to do anymore. 

{Dean doesn't want you. He never did. This is why you shouldn't trust anyone, and yet you allowed him to get inside your walls.}

Cas's mind whirled with dark thoughts, though he tried so hard to dismiss them all. One thought stood out among the rest, the only one that Cas cared about. 

The thought that ultimately lead to his next fit of secrecy. The only thought that really mattered to him at this single moment in time, and it ran through his head in repeat.

What could he have possibly done so wrong?


	15. March 28, 2016

The next day, Dean wasn't in his classes. Castiel didn't really mind until Benny Lafitte, a very old something that he hadn't talked to in nearly four years, came to him.

"You just keep away from Dean now, alright? He's got no room for people like you in his life. You're twisting him. You're poisoning him, and none of us appreciate it," Benny had started. 

"I'm sorry. I don't know what you mean," replied Cas. 

"You know perfectly well what I'm talking about. You've managed to convince him he's somehow in love with you. He didn't want that. He just wanted to help. So stop," Benny had remarked coolly, and Cas couldn't help but believe the words. 

"I never meant to do anything to him. I'm sorry for causing any trouble," he responded in a rush, hoping that somehow this torment would end soon and Benny would leave him alone like he had done for the past four years. 

"Just be sure to leave him alone, or else I'll take care of you myself," Benny had ended the conversation there, his thumb pointed at his chest. 

Cas went to therapy and told her about that. 

"Perhaps Benny is jealous. I know you two used to date. Maybe he just wants you back," Ms. Nyf suggested. 

"I'm not sure that's the case," sighed Cas, leaning forward to wrap his arms around his stomach. 

"Have you asked Dean about all of this? He may be able to explain it," she told him with a pointed look. 

"He brushed me off yesterday. He said it wasn't a good idea for me to come over. I'm not sure he wants to see me right now," Cas admitted with a sad smile.

"Has he told you that, Castiel? Or are you just assuming things?" 

Cas grimaced and looked down at the ground. "I don't know. I'm afraid of the truth," he replied.

"Then perhaps you should run toward it. It's the only way to assure your anxiety that everything is still fine between you two. Show me your wrists," she motioned him forward and he stood up to show her. 

She gently pulled his sleeves up and sighed sadly when she saw fresh cuts. "This has really stressed you out, hasn't it?" her voice was soft as she ran her thumbs over them. Cas jerked away and gave a hiss of pain. 

"I - I don't want to talk about this anymore," he announced as he yanked his sleeves back down. 

"Those are from lunch, aren't they? Did you eat today?" 

Cas shook his head and stared down at the tiny string on the floor beside her trashbin. "I wasn't hungry," even his lie was unconvincing. 

"I thought Dean had been helping you a bit through all of this, but I suppose he hasn't done much. A boy can't change the way you feel inside, even if you want him to," Ms. Nyf sighed and stood up to open the minifridge. "Here." 

Cas accepted the sandwich from her hands and thanked her before taking his leave. "And Castiel? Talk to him. Learn the truth," she called as he closed the door.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

Cas waited until he was sure his mother was gone before walking to Dean's house. When he knocked on the door, Sam answered.

"Uh oh," his eyes went wide when he saw Cas. "Uhm... Dean!" 

Cas wasn't sure if he should be worried that Sam was upset he was there. "I'm sorry for intruding. I can go if you'd like me to." 

"What? No, it's fine. Come in. Dean!" Sam called once again, motioning for Cas to just go up. "I don't think he'll be happy I let you in or to his room, but he's gotta tell you himself." 

Concern edged its way into Cas's mind as he nodded and slowly made his way to Dean's room. He gently knocked on the door and heard an exhasperated sigh. 

"Sam, for the last fucking time I'm not - Cas," Dean opened the door and Cas threw a hand over his mouth to stop the gasp of surprise. 

"My God, Dean. What happened?" he asked worriedly, eyes tracing over the bruised eyes, shallow cut, and split lip on his face. 

"Just wait a second," Dean moved past him and hurried to find Sam. He was limping and his left arm was in a sling. "Why did you let him in? I told you I didn't want him here!" 

Cas flinched at the harsh whispers and felt tears fill his eyes. "Dean! He's your boyfriend, and you haven't been to school all day. You haven't even talked to him! Of course he's gonna come over here. Just tell him what happened, it wasn't even your fault!" Sam snapped back. 

"Sam-" 

"No, Dean. You need to talk to him and tell him what happened. I'm done with the self-pitying crap you've got. Just tell him the truth, God," Sam cut him off. 

Why didn't Dean want him here? Was this whole thing truly his own fault? 

Dean appeared again and sighed as he pulled Cas into a one-armed hug. He sniffled softly into Dean's pajama shirt. "You don't want me here," he pointed out. 

"Not like that, Cas. I don't wanna have to talk about this. Come on," he led him into his room and made him sit on the bed. 

"I was worried about you. And when Benny talked to me-" 

"Benny? God, I told him not to say anything. That fucker. Ignore whatever the hell he said to you, he's just a douche," Dean muttered.

"Oh, I know he is. He always has been. You told him not to say anything about this? About you getting into a fight?" 

"That's why I didn't want you here. I knew you would assume I started it. That's not what happened," Dean told him with a glare.

Cas sighed and leaned forward. "I think you should start explaining, then. Who did this to you?" he asked sadly, reaching forward to gently run his thumb over the gash on his forehead. 

Dean flinched away minutely, but sat down beside him and leaned into his side. "Those guys from yesterday? They jumped me in the locker rooms during gym. Coach Harvelle managed to catch them before they could run, and they got suspended. I've got a detention tomorrow for it. Wasn't at school today because I also got suspended. Just for a day," he explained. 

Cas looked over at Dean with a grim expression and frowned. "They hurt you, yet you are disciplined for it. That's ludicrous," he snapped bitterly. 

Dean shrugged and straightened up. "That's alright. I was able to recover, so I'm fine with it. I'm worried everyone's gonna think it was your fault. And about Benny," he reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. 

"I didn't know you guys used to be together. So I just kinda told him about us and he started going on about how you were bad for me and he would take care of it. I kept telling him I was being serious, but he just kept going on about how I shouldn't date you because of things that've happened," Dean sighed, finally lying back on the bed. 

"He said all that?" Cas wondered unhappily.

Dean nodded and looked up at Cas with a smile. "I told him he could forget about our plans this weekend because of it. I'm gonna give him another chance, though," he admitted. "I'm not leaving you because of rumors, Cas. That's not how it works," he added assuringly, reaching over to twine his fingers with Cas's. 

Cas lied back with him and closed his eyes as the anxious energy left his mind. "I'm just glad they didn't do anything worse," he whispered. Dean agreed with a somber expression.


	16. March 29, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about no post on Wednesday, guys! My boyfriend recently broke up with me, and Wednesday would’ve been our 6 months if we’d been together so I was especially struggling.   
> Regardless, enjoy!

(Dean drove me to school again this morning. Though, really, I drove. His arm was still healing from the sprain, and his right leg was also recovering.

Mr. Singer was sympathetic and sent him to the nurse when he got a particularly bad migraine due to the cut on his forehead. I guess the old man really did have a sweet spot for the Winchesters. 

Therapy today was uneventful. I told her what I had learned from Dean. This only made her tell me how I should learn to trust people more often. I don't see how that would have helped me, but I've chosen not to say anything against it. 

I've decided that I no longer care about my father. Or anything for that matter. Except Dean. He's the only thing I find important anymore. I suppose that's an unhealthy outlook, but it's all I've got left. 

I don't think I'll be here much longer anyway. My mother is already talking about leaving. I don't think I'll be able to leave Dean behind. Whatever I decide, it'll work out. 

I think I'm going to visit the cliff today. Maybe I'll invite Dean. I'll just tell my mom I'm doing homework.)

Cas closed his journal and stuffed it in his backpack before texting Dean and then turning to leave. He found his mother sitting at the table, head rested on her arm and soft snores falling from her lips. He wrote down a quick note and then left the silent house without a backwards glance. 

He started walking down the street, the afternoon sun boring hot tracks into his dark hoodie. 

Dean met him at the cliff with an odd look. "What are you doing out here, Castiel?" 

Cas gave him a feigned smile. Dean had used his full name. He was worried. "I come here to clear my mind. It makes me feel like I have some control over my life," he admitted softly. He sat with his feet dangled over the edge, and Dean thought it best to join him. 

"You said you had something to tell me," Dean mentioned. Had Cas said that? If he had, he definitely didn't remember. 

"No..?" Cas wasn't sure how to respond. Dean looked over at him, but stayed quiet as Cas stared out into the lake beyond the shore. "Sometimes, when I'm up here, I like to pretend I can fly," he whispered suddenly. 

Dean laughed shortly and dropped his head to gaze down at his shoes. "Why? What's the point? If you ask me, neither of us will ever escape what our parents are guiding us into," he said sadly. Cas's small smile disappeared as he chewed Dean's melancholic words in his mouth and processed them. 

"You don't like the plan your parents have for you?" Cas wondered softly. Dean shrugged and looked away from him, not replying at first. 

He finally sighed and said, "It just feels like - I dunno - I feel like they don't really care about what I want. They just keep pushing and shoving everything on me but it's starting to drag me down and I'm starting to think I'll crack under the pressure." 

"Wait," Cas shook his head, "what? Dean, you're one of the smartest guys I know. You can handle anything. And if you don't like what college - or whatever - then tell your parents that. If anything they'll respect you for telling them." 

"Easy for you to say, your parents don't even care," snapped Dean. "I - sorry, that was uncalled for." 

Cas just stayed quiet, still staring at the water. Dean said nothing else, and Cas didn't mind. He knew Dean was just upset about his parents. 

"Hey, Dean!" 

They both turned to see Lisa walking up to them, a wide smile on her face. "Hey, Lisa. What's up?" asked Dean wearily. 

"I saw you walk by my house. I was just wondering if you wanted to ditch this loser and go to the movies with me?" Lisa wondered.

Cas didn't react. 

"Hey, just 'cuz you wanted to ask Cas on a date doesn't mean you have to call me names, Lis," Dean reprimanded. 

Lisa's cheeks went red and her fingers curled into fists. Cas slapped Dean's arm and shook his head. 

"Oh, right. You'd have a tough time getting him to go with you. He prefers the more masculine types, if you catch my drift," Dean continued happily. 

Cas groaned and covered his face with his hands, cheeks aflame. Lisa's shoes signaled her departure, and Dean reached forward to grab Cas's arm and pull him closer. 

"Come on, I'm just messing with you. She went away, didn't she?" 

Cas looked up at him, about to say something spiteful, but Dean pulled him into a chaste, tender kiss. Cas froze in place, heart beating out of his chest as its pace quickened. His hands went numb. 

"What was that for?" he asked hesitantly. 

"To make up for telling Lisa you're gay," answered Dean with a smug grin. Cas's face went red again at that and he turned away from Dean. "Tell me about yourself, Cas." 

"What?" Cas laughed and glanced at Dean like he was crazy. 

"Tell me everything about you. I wanna know all there is to know about Castiel." 

"There isn't much to know, Dean. My favorite color is green. My last name is Novak, and I’m actually adopted. I like to wear hoodies literally all the time. I dislike most people, though I'm finding that not every guy is so bad," Cas began cautiously. Dean shot him a smile.

"Keep going," he urged. 

"My favorite subject is English and my least favorite is both history and math. Lisa will likely tell the whole school I'm gay by tomorrow, so that's always a plus. Not to mention that for some odd reason, Benny is now talking to me again to protect you. Even though he hasn't said a word to me since sixth grade," Cas muttered.

"Seriously? Four years? Y'all's breakup must of been really bad if he hasn't talked to you in four whole years," said Dean with shock. 

"It was a huge misunderstanding. He took it out of proportion and then wouldn't listen when I attempted to explain everything. He always took things farther than they needed to be taken and always thought the worst of everyone," Cas gave a sad sigh. 

Dean reached out to take Cas's hand in his own, assuring him as he spoke. "Any others?" he wondered innocently. He wasn't jealous per say, Benny was one of his closer friends. 

"One other. He was hardly better than Benny. But I was infatuated with him," Cas started in on a new story. "He fascinated me. Always speaking of newer and better things. He use to talk about changing the world, use to talk about travelling to space and achieving greatness. Now he only speaks of hardships. Bruised eyes and bloody teeth, broken noses and shattered dreams," his voice went nearly silent as he went on.

"You still know this guy?" Dean asked, unable to hide the begrudging tone. 

"Of course. It's Azazel. We broke it off during eighth grade after things started getting bad with his father. Azazel was often violent, though he never hit me. He would hit other things. He started growing distant. I didn't want to leave him, I knew what it was like to be abandoned. So we setteled for an arrangement that allowed us to still be close while pretending we were enemies," Cas replied. 

"That doesn't even make sense. Why?" 

"To convince his father that he wasn't another "disgusting dick eater," Cas snarled. Dean had never seen such rage in him before. "We had been dating for nearly two years, able to keep his father out of the loop. I often wondered what could've been." An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of Cas’s stomach as he thought.


	17. March 30, 2016 (Part One)

(After telling Dean about him, I'm worried of what he will think. What if he believes I am cheating on him? What would I do? I can't bare the thought of losing him.

Of course, realizing that makes me even more worried for the future. If there even is one. I’m not so sure anymore if there is any hope. Every day is harder and harder to continue, even with Dean’s help. 

Maybe I should just leave. It would be better and easier for everyone. After all, I was a burden. I brought my family nothing but hardship. He was being attacked because of me. Everywhere I go, everyone I care about, they’re always being pushed away. Maybe I should just let it happen instead of fighting it. 

It was difficult with Azazel. We had been with each other for two years. I loved him, and he adored me. He still does. 

But with him, it would be easy. I barely knew him. We barely knew each other. We were practically strangers. It would be so easy to leave right now. 

My mother is gone and my father could care less what happens to me. It would be so easy. Sure, I would hurt Dean, but he could find someone better. Someone who can actually love him without being such a damn burden to the world. Someone who could treat him right, and wouldn’t hurt themselves, and who actually ate. 

Someone who is worthy of such a kind soul. It isn’t me. I want it to be, but it isn’t. I’m not safe and I’m not good for people. Benny is right. I’m poison. I do nothing but poison anyone around me.)

Castiel jolted to his feet at a sudden crash from the kitchen. He grabbed his phone and texted Dean, fear making his blood run cold. 

[I believe someone is in my house.]

Of course, Dean was at church. Well, actually, Dean was at the beginning of a bible study. It had started Monday. For some reason, Cas just felt safer knowing that Dean would see the text. 

Bottles clinked together in the fridge as Castiel slowly opened his bedroom door, careful to be silent. He crept around the corner and peered into the living room. There was no one to be seen. Still, he could hear rustling close by. Cautiously, he leaned farther into the room, but could still see nothing. 

With a deep, steadying breath, he edged into the room and completely froze when he saw his father’s back hanging out of the fridge and digging for a beer. The door closed and he turned to Castiel.

His frown deepened into a scowl, brows pinching together severely. “Why the fuck you here?” he asked, words already crammed together in a way Cas knew all too well. The fingers curled around the neck of the beer tightened until they went ghostly white. 

“I live here,” he responded evenly, despite the panic engulfing his body. He couldn’t move. “Why are you here? Mother kicked you out.” 

The man stepped forward and laughed a menacing chuckle. “It’s my house, you ungrateful pig. I can be here if I want. And I don’t see your mommy here to stop me this time.” His voice was mocking, whiny. 

Cas was surprised to find his hand raised to show the phone. “She doesn’t want you here. I’ll call the police if you don’t leave.” 

“The hell you will,” snapped his father, eyes igniting with malice. Cas gulped and dialed the number. He could hear the phone ring once, and then his father was on him. He snatched the phone from his hand and threw it forcefully into the wall. 

It shattered on impact and fell to the linoleum with a dull thud. The beer in his father’s hand had burst open where he’d dropped it, the amber liquid seeping into a puddle. 

Cas stepped back onto the carpet, eyes wide. “You think you control me, boy? You don’t! I’m the one in control here. You’re nothing but a coward.” 

His father turned back to the fridge to reach for another beer. Cas stepped in his way and drew up every ounce of strength he could muster. “Get out.” His voice shook unsteadily on the words, but they were clear otherwise.

“What did you just say to me!?” 

“Get. Out.” Cas narrowed his gaze and glared at the man in front of him. He words were stronger this time, punctuated in all the ways he’d wanted them to be. He was proud of himself. His father thought he was a coward, but he wasn’t. He’d prove it to him. 

He didn’t expect the blow that sent him reeling. He fell to his hands and knees as spots danced in his vision. He crawled away, scared of any more. The breath was knocked out of him as his father kicked him in the gut, sending him sprawling onto his side. Castiel wheezed and blinked back tears at the pain. 

What else could he do but curl into himself and hope it would be over soon. His father was much stronger, despite his days of drinking. There was no way to fight back, not properly, and Cas wasn’t about to make things worse by trying. 

“Goddamn ungrateful little shit! You think you live here? You don’t! I allow you to be here! And as long as you’re under this roof, you’ll give me the fucking respect I well deserve!” His father stumbled and braced himself against the fridge, teeth bared like a rabid dog. 

Cas’s breathing grew ragged, and tears blurred his vision. His anxiety was of course going to show itself when he least needed it. His throat closing up was not exactly a great thing if he planned on running away. 

That thought was quickly dismissed though, as Cas heard the unmistakable screech of metal on metal. His heart pounded, drowning out his mind’s cry for help. 

He squirmed as his father knelt down and attempted to pin him down. “Stop!” he screamed, writhing on the floor to end the punishment. 

He stilled the moment his father growled and slapped him hard across the face, searing pain surprising him into submission. His father’s knee dug harshly into his ribs as the man pinned him and raised the knife. “This’ll teach you to disrespect me, you arrogant prick.” 

Cas seemed to disconnect from himself. It was strange, as if he were watching from outside the window. He could barely breath. 

He vaguely hoped this would be the end. His father would kill him, and then he didn’t have to feel guilty for leaving Dean and Sam behind. 

Someone let out a horrid scream. The raw agony in his throat told him it was himself, and suddenly he was back gazing up at the ceiling, screaming and sobbing for an end. Not even the loss of blood flow to his arm could hide the anguish as the blade pierced his skin. 

He flailed underneath the body weight of his father, trying desperately to get away. His vision was growing black, seeping into his eyes as his struggles grew smaller and weaker. His yells didn’t subside. And then the heavy weight was suddenly gone and his grateful lungs sucked in air despite his argument against them. His eyes drooped shut at the sudden head rush.


	18. March 30, 2016 (Part Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out the thing called “Sorry Guys” in my works... I’m hoping for some good prompts from you guys but I’ve had no responses yet sadly

Dean POV

When I saw Cas’s text, I knew something was wrong. I could feel it in my bones. I excused myself in a rush, shot my parents a text to let them know and took off. 

I didn’t have the keys to the Impala, but I somehow knew I wouldn’t have time to get them from my dad. So I took off at a dead sprint back home. 

The drive was only five minutes, but running was an eternity. Especially in slacks, a dress shirt, and the most uncomfortable pair of shoes I’d ever owned. 

My feet ached after only a few minutes, but I continued to race down the sidewalk. I had to get to Cas, I just had to. 

Something inside me knew that it wasn’t good. But I still forced myself faster, legs pounding on the cement and my heart practically knocking against my rib cage to escape. 

My breath came out in short wheezes, but I didn’t care. I had run faster for longer. I knew my body could handle this. 

I just wasn’t so sure my heart could. 

I rounded the corner and ignored the car that honked at me, just barely stopping in time to keep from hitting me. My panic made me reckless. I shouldn’t be, I had to get to Cas and make sure he was alright. But that worry forced me on faster than I would’ve thought possible. 

Finally - after what seemed like years - finally I reached Cas’s street. I could see his shitty house, and a small wave of relief washed over me when I found no car outside. 

Just as I reached his driveway, I heard an anguished howl of misery and terror. My heart literally skipped a beat, because I would recognize Cas’s voice anywhere. 

The door was unlocked, but I was completely unprepared for the sight in front of me. I froze in fright as I watched Cas’s father carve into the skin at his arm with a sharp, curving knife. Cas’s fight was getting weak. 

I jumped into action and tackled his father off of him. I punched him once, hard, right in the temple and he was out in an instant. 

“Cas? Castiel!?” My voice cracked with emotion. The sickly sweet stench of blood made me gag as I hurried to find my phone. 

“911, what is your emergency?”

“You - you have to hurry, he’s gonna die! He’s bleeding all over the place, please - just hurry!” 

I barely heard her as she asked for details. I described the scene I’d walked in on and she ordered me to find something to stop the bleeding. 

My hands shook violently as I reached for a rag and wrapped it around Cas’s forearm. He let out a hurt moan, eyes glazed and unseeing as he slowly struggled on the floor. I’d been in this pain. So intense you couldn’t stand to be still. 

“Dean, was it?”

“Y-yeah,” I answered in a rough whisper. 

“Ok, I want you to make sure he doesn’t close his eyes and sleep. You’re being very brave, Dean. Your friend will be ok, the paramedics are on their way already,” her voice was soothing, but my mind raced too fast for it to be effective. 

Cas’s eyes were fluttering, threatening to close forever. I patted his cheek and ordered him to stay with me. I could faintly hear the woman talking to me, but nothing registered but my worry. 

“Don’t you die on me, Cas.” 

Time stretched endlessly as I waited for the ambulance. My hand was sticky, the blood clotting to my skin and drying as it soaked through the rag. I didn’t realize I was crying until I saw Cas flinch as the liquid hit his cheek. 

“Don’t leave me, Cas. Just stay awake, ok, they’re almost here, ok? Just stay awake,” I could barely speak through my distress. 

Time stretched endlessly. I could hear the sirens now, but they seemed distant and fuzzy. 

Everything moved in slow motion as they rushed in with a gurney, took Cas away while shouting out instructions at each other, and the police stormed in to handcuff his father. I shakily got to my feet as a kind looking man handed me a weighted blanket. 

“DEAN! Oh my God, Dean are you ok!?” John rushed into the house along with Mary and Sam. He grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me away from the ichor staining the carpet and tile and my white dress shirt. 

I found myself yelling at the paramedics, asking if he would survive. If he would be ok. If he would die. Sam’s eyes were stretched wide with panic. My mom set a comforting hand on my other shoulder and pulled me toward the door. 

No one would answer me. No one bothered to give me even a second glance. The police asked my dad to speak to me, but I could barely make words and they finally agreed to get my statement later. The paramedics were long gone, sirens blaring as the rushed Cas to the hospital. 

“Get in the car, sweetie. It’s alright, he’ll be ok. I’m so proud of you, Dean, you did everything right,” my mother soothed, allowing Sam to sit in front so she could lay my head in her lap. I realized I was shaking. 

Dad drove in silence, jaw tense and hands in a death grip around the steering wheel. Sam held my hand tightly as mom helped me into the hospital Cas was at. 

“Oh, Dean! Thank you so much, thank you!” 

My mother stepped in front of me as Cas’s mother tried to hug me in gratitude. She was wearing skimpy clothes and her mascara ran in rivulets down her cheeks. 

“Who are you?” asked dad protectively, eyeing the woman.

She straightened and met his gaze with confidence. “I’m Castiel’s mother. When I got the call - God - thank you so much for getting there so fast, Dean. You saved his life,” she broke into sobs and collapsed back into the chair she’d been resting in. Dad turned and gave me an appraising look before letting me sit. 

“Will he be alright, Mrs. Novak?” asked Sam innocently, tears staining his cheeks. 

“Yes, thank you. They said he got here just in time. I can’t thank your family enough,” she nodded quickly. She reached a hand out to shake my mom’s and shot her the most gracious smile I’d ever seen.

“Mr. Winchester? Would you like to come back for a checkup? The doctor knows you went through a very stressful situation with your friend and would like to make sure you’re doing ok,” a nurse stepped up to me. She was a petite, soft-spoken woman with a painted but caring smile. 

I glanced at my mom before standing. “Yeah, ok,” my voice was rough from screaming and crying. She reached out and handed me a warm cup of hot chocolate. 

“Right this way, sweetie. Your dad will be in there with you,” she added, more to my mother than me. At that, my dad stood and supported my still shaking body to the room. 

“Thanks for bringing me,” my voice was barely a whisper, but the comforting squeeze at my shoulder proved dad had heard me. He sat me down on the uncomfortable bed-like table and paced the room as the nurse logged into her computer. 

“I’m sorry you had to witness any of that, Mr. Winchester. The doctor commends you on your quick reactions. You quite possibly saved Mr. Novak’s life,” she grinned happily at me. Her words struck a chord, and the tears came fresh and fast. This time, they were relieved and cold, unlike before, I shook from the instant solace. 

She stood and rubbed soothing lines into my back, asking my dad a few questions. 

“The doctor will be in shortly to fully evaluate your son, but I think he will recover. You have raised a strong boy, sir,” she shook his hand and promptly left the room. 

Dad sat next to me and settled his arm over the blanket at my back. He squeezed me as I leaned into his side, sighing with exhaustion. “I’m damn proud of you, Dean. I’m sorry I couldn’t have done anything sooner, son, and I’m sorry your friend got so hurt.”

I sniffed, bringing a satisfying burn to the front of my face, reminding me that I’d fucking saved Cas. I saved him. “Damn proud.”


	19. March 30, 2016 (Part Three)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~~ these fancy guys are Dean’s writing

“Hello there, Dean. Are you feeling a little less shaken up?” 

Dean looked up into the bright face of a kind man, the doctor. He finally gave a slight nod, but the doctor seemed fine with the lack of response. 

“You and your friend have had quite a shock. He’s awake and stable, and asking for you. When we’re done I’ll gladly take you to his room,” he set the clipboard in his hands down on the counter and leaned back into it. 

John eyed the man suspiciously. He seemed too familiar with the whole situation, and something about that left an indelible taste in his mouth.

“I’m Dr. Chuck Shurley, by the way. I’ve been Castiel’s doctor since he was a little one, cutest little kid. Anyway, Dean, are you feeling nauseous at all? Shaky, feverish? Anything like that?” 

Dean glanced at his father for a moment, noting the way the rigid lines of his shoulders relaxed slightly. “No. Just a little shaky at first. My head hurts.” 

Dr. Shurley nodded and turned to scratch that onto his clipboard papers. “Clammy hands? Anxiety? Are you thirsty?”

“I just said I’m fine!” Dean suddenly snapped, mouth contorted into a snarl. John looked at him sharply, and even Dean looked shocked at the outburst. “Sorry, I don’t-“ 

“No worries, Dean. It’s common to express some anger after such traumatic experiences,” the doctor gave him a comforting smile. “I don’t think it’s bad enough to warrant any prescriptions, but Mr. Winchester, if this persists or anything else comes up feel free to contact me. I’ll have him in for a free checkup and everything.” 

John uncrossed his arms and sighed. “Alright. Thank you doc, seriously. Anything specific we should watch for?” 

“Loss of appetite, or the exact opposite. Excessive anger, mood swings, trouble sleeping. Even if you don’t think it’s caused by this, call me anyway. I’ll be happy to make sure he’s healing properly,” Dr. Shurley reached forward to shake John’s hand and motioned for them to follow. “I’ll take you to Cas’s room now. I suggest one of you wait outside at first. Too many people may overwhelm him so soon after.” 

John gave a nod and ushered his son in front of him, urging him to follow close behind. “He should be out by the end of the week. I won’t lie, he lost a lot of blood and is weak. We want to get fluids in him and make sure he’s 100 percent before he’s released.” 

The lanky man stopped outside a closed door and glanced inside. “Looks like Mrs. Novak is in there right now. When she’s done, you’re welcome to go in.” At that, he left the two behind. As if on cue, Cas’s mom emerged. 

“Oh, Dean. He was asking for you. I can’t say thank you enough for saving my boy. Thank you for raising such a wonderful son,” she spoke to John directly now, eyes shimmering with unshed tears and motherly affection. 

John simply nodded and stepped aside to let her pass. Dean took the opportunity and went into the room. It smelled strongly of antiseptic and nothing else. For that, Dean was grateful. He wasn’t sure he could handle the smell of anymore blood. 

“Cas?” Dean’s voice broke when he saw the boy in his bed. He looked tiny in the massive room, covered in blankets and set up to an IV. He turned his head and grinned lazily at Dean. 

“Dean. Thank you for coming,” he murmured quietly. He was deathly pale, his lips practically white. Still, he was alive and that’s all Dean could have asked for. 

“Of course I’d come, Cas. I’m sorry I didn’t get there sooner,” Dean’s lip wobbled as tears blurred his line of sight. 

Cas scoffed and held out a quaking hand, still smiling. Dean stepped forward and grabbed it, lacing their fingers together. Cas was cold. “You got there. You - you saved m-my life,” he managed to spit out through his own cries. 

Without his hoodie, Dean could see how scrawny Castiel was. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d seen the boy eat a proper meal. Dean sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at Cas. 

“Are you alright, Dean?” 

Dean couldn’t help but let out a choked laugh. Even as he lied in the hospital, all Cas cared about was everyone else but himself. “I’m not the one who almost died going toe to toe with his dad.” 

Cas looked to the window and drew his smile into a grim line. “I don’t understand why he came back at all. I was convinced he’d never return.” 

Dean grimaced and dropped his gaze to the ground. “Maybe he knew your mom wouldn’t be home,” he suggested. 

Cas let out a bitter chuckle. “She’s never home. I’m alone.” 

“You are not alone,” Dean growled out, rage fueling the fire he felt in his gut at Cas’s careless words. “You’ve got me, and Sammy, and my entire family. And your mom is here, Cas. She left to be here with you.” 

Cas gave a sigh and returned his ocean blue eyes to Dean’s morbid face. “She’s obligated to come. They called her, after all. She didn’t even know.” 

Dean dropped Cas’s hand and glared at him. “You’re being ridiculous,” he snapped, surprising Cas with the ferocity in his voice. “How could she have known if she wasn’t home. I only knew because you texted me.” 

A shudder went through Cas’s body as the air conditioning kicked in, and he snuggled farther into the blankets. Despite his shivering, his face was glistening with sweat. “Woah, Cas, are you ok?” Dean’s anger dissipated. 

“Fine. Dr. Shurley just s-said I’d be c-cold from losing so much b-blood,” Cas explained through clacking teeth. Dean’s brow knitted together in worry, as he watched Cas quake. His heart seemed to race at the sudden terror in Cas’s gaze. The machine at his bedside beeped erratically.

“What’s wrong?” 

“Dean, back away, please!” Dean jumped in surprise as Dr. Shurley rushed in with a nurse at his side. Cas’s breathing grew shallow and wheezy, and his eyes fluttered. 

“BP is dropping fast, Chuck,” announced the nurse as she checked the vitals. 

“Fuck! Get him out of here, now!” He vaguely motioned to Dean as he rushed around the room, pulling things out of cabinets. The nurse hurried to obey, guiding Dean out. 

“Wait, what’s happening!? Is he gonna be ok?” Dean was corralled into the hallway as he yelled questions to the nurse until the door slammed shut. 

Footsteps hurried to his side and Sam grabbed his arm in worry. “Dean, what’s going on?” 

Dean gently squeezed Sam’s hand and gulped. “I don’t know, Sammy. But Cas is gonna be alright.” 

Sam sniffled and pressed heavily into Dean’s side. 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

“He’s stable.” 

Dean looked up at the doctor with tired eyes. “What happened?” 

“He had a fractured rib, and we can’t exactly put a cast over it. His shivering caused the fracture to worsen and he punctured a lung,” sighed Dr. Shurley. “He’s alright now. We gave him extra blankets and raised the temperature in the room.” 

Dean shifted in his seat and rubbed a hand down his face, eyes stinging. The doctor glanced over and frowned. “I’m sorry about all of this, son. I can’t imagine how hard this is on you.” 

Dean nodded minutely. “He’s not getting out by the end of the week, is he?” 

Chuck glanced over at him and gave a heavy sigh, moving to rest a hand on his knee. “Unfortunately, no. He’ll need to stay here until everything heals properly. You’re welcome to visit him anytime, of course. I would recommend it, even. It’ll be good for him.” 

Dean swallowed past the growing lump in his throat and stared at the linoleum. His heart seemed to beat strange patterns in his chest as his mouth dried out and the back of his throat burned.

The doctor finally stood and swept away from Dean without a word, the door closing behind him with a certain finality. Only then did Dean allow his tears to fall. 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ<>

~Somewhere along the line, he lost the hope in his eyes. It had been nearly a week already, and he still showed no signs of healing. 

Color returned to his face, beyond that there was no sign as to his recovery. I brought him work from school and helped him, but he barely spoke and hardly ate. 

Physically Cas seemed fine. But mentally I knew he was beyond normal. His therapist came to visit, but he closed himself off from even her. I didn’t understand it. 

Not until I happened to see them change the thick bandage at his arm. The one his dad had sliced open and carved into. 

Disgust instantly flooded my mind at the evil word. ‘FAGGOT’ was sprawled across his scarred skin. A constant reminder of why he was such a disappointment to his father. It would become a scar for him to see for years and years to come. 

The muscle underneath was raw and angry, the skin doing it’s best to knot over the wound and heal. Even stitches would not be enough for such a ravaged canvas. Cas would always see the awful word. Always. And there was nothing I would ever be able to do to heal that part of him. Even if the word fades, the memory would remain. 

I finally understand the lack of light behind his irises. I finally understand the loss in the creases at the corners of his mouth. Now I realized why it seemed he carried the world upon his shoulders. 

There was no solace in his family. His mother was working again to try and pay for hospital bills, and his dad was rotting in some cell awaiting the trial for child endangerment and abuse, as well as several other felonies. He had no siblings. In his mind, he was alone. 

Even when I came, there was no spark of excitement in his eyes. Nothing beyond the infinite shadow of doubt and suspicion and hate. While not directed at me, it still hurt to see those blank eyes stare through me rather than at me.~


	20. April 10, 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super short chapter, but it’s mostly a filler chapter anyway.  
> Enjoy regardless!

“Hey, how’s Castiel?” 

Dean was surprised how close Azazel had come to him over the past week or so. Everyday he asked about his “enemy”, and everyday was the same answer. 

“He’s doing better.” 

After that, Azazel would leave without another word. Truth was, Dean wasn’t sure if Cas was doing better. He hadn’t been able to stop by the hospital for the past week due to finals coming soon and the excessive studying he was doing to prepare. 

He felt awful about that fact, but there was nothing he could do. 

Especially since John had prohibited him using the car until he recovered from the trauma. It wasn’t like Dean was the one who’d gone through the whole incident. Dean hasn’t been cut up by his own father. 

What trauma had Dean faced? Nothing. As far as he was concerned, he hadn’t faced anything. He was nothing but a pawn in all of this. 

When he got home, his phone rang with a call from a number that wasn’t saved in his contacts. He ignored it, but the number called once again. 

The third time it rang, he answered and raised the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

“This is Cas’s mom, is this Dean?” 

Dean’s mind froze as his mouth worked to form words. Was Castiel alright? Why was she calling him?

“Dean?”

“Yes. Yeah, yes this is Dean. Is Cas ok?” 

She chuckled warmly on the line. “Yes, he’s doing fine. In fact, he’s being released tomorrow afternoon.” 

Dean gave a sigh of relief and grinned. “That’s awesome. That’s great.”

“I’m calling because I wanted to ask you a favor.” 

Dean ran a hand through his hair before responding. “Alright, what is it?” 

There was a pause on the line and crackling. “Give me a second, sorry.” Dean didn’t say a word until her voice returned. “Could you pick up Cas from his therapy session tomorrow? Mrs. Nyf wants him to come in, she thinks the return to some semblance of normalcy will help him be more open.” 

“Uhm, yeah, I could definitely do that. No problem.” He was surprised that she’d asked him, even knowing everything. 

“Thanks, you’re a dear. I’m taking him to lunch when he’s released if you’d like to join us.” 

“Th - thanks, but, no thanks. I think it’s best that you two go a-and j-just, uhm, eat.” He finally managed to get his words out through his shock at the invitation. 

“Alright. Thank you, again, Dean. Have a great day.” The call disconnected before Dean could even respond, for which he was slightly grateful.

He returned the device to his pocket and climbed the stairs to his room. His bag went down on the floor beside his desk and opened his curtains to let the light in.

Since he didn’t have homework, he took out his brand new drawing book and began some new sketches. He wasn’t exactly great, but he wouldn’t ever call himself terrible either. His work was mediocre at best, and that was just fine with him.

“Dean, you home?” a voice called up the stairs to his room. Dean gave a muffled sigh. 

“Yeah, I’m back. Just sketching.”

“Your mom will be home soon to start dinner. I’m going to pick up Sam from practice. You’ll be alright by yourself?” 

“Yeah, dad, I’m good. Drive safe.” 

The door closed with a soft click that he could barely hear. The Impala’s rumbling engine soothed his fraying mind and he went back to his work. 

The minutes seemed to stretch endlessly, as if tomorrow would never come. It was like the universe refused to move forward so Dean could so Cas. He missed the boy so much, and he felt so guilty for being unable to visit. 

He threw himself down onto the mattress and ignored his drawing. The pencil hung limply from his hand as thoughts creeped in to speak. 

The clock on his wall ticked slowly, and he noticed only two minutes had passed since his dad had left. Jesus, he was going to go insane before he was able to see Castiel again. 

Everything screamed at him to go visit, to walk if he had to. But, visiting hours would be long over by the time he reached the front door. His only choice was to wait and see Castiel tomorrow. 

“How am I supposed to pick him up? Shit.” The thought infiltrated his mind. He couldn’t drive. His dad dropped him off at school in the morning. Maybe he could somehow convince him to take the car. Or maybe his dad would pick Cas up for him. 

His grabbed his phone to ask Cas’s mother what to do. Should he bring Cas home, or would Cas be able to stay with Dean? 

She answered back almost immediately. 

[Please take him to your home. I know his father is in jail, but that house is not good for him to be around right now.]

Dean replied with a simple [ok] and then called his mom. She would be able to convince his dad one way or another to at least pick Castiel up. From then, he was on his own. 

“Yes, honey, are you alright?” 

“Yeah, mom, no worries. Cas’s mom wants me to pick him up tomorrow, but I can’t drive right now,” he began with a smile at her soothing voice. It made him feel warm inside, and safe.

“Oh, I see. Well, I will talk to your father and see what I can do. How is he doing?”

“Much better. He’s getting released tomorrow and she’s taking him to lunch, and then I’m picking him up from therapy. Hopefully.” 

“That’s great to hear, Dean. I’m so glad he’s doing better. Now, I have to go so I’ll see you soon, and I’ll talk to John when I get home.”

Dean couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face. “Thanks mom. You’re the best.” 

“I know. I love you, Dee.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Dean responded with a chuckle. Mary gave a soft laugh before hanging up. Now, all Dean had to do was more waiting.


	21. April 11, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know it’s a reminder. Of a lot of disgusting things your father thinks. But in our family, you’re nothing but perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In exchange for me missing Wednesday, have an extra long chapter!

“What time does Castiel’s session end?” 

Dean looked over at his dad who was sitting on the couch beside him. “I’m not sure. It differs, but usually it’s like five.” 

John raised his chin slightly and switched the channel, which made the time, date, and channel number to show up. It was currently only 3:50. 

“You have any homework tonight?” 

Dean shook his head. “No, I finished it all in class today.” 

“You sure? You double-checked everything?” 

“Yes, sir, I did,” Dean looked back to the television. He could feel his dad’s eyes on him for a moment, as if studying his reaction. 

“Alright. Go get changed, then. We’ve gotta head out to pick up Sam from practice.” Dean rose to his feet and hurried to change for the weather. It had warmed up gradually throughout the day, and was now nearly sweltering. 

When Dean finished, he followed his dad to the pristine Impala and climbed into the passenger seat. 

“Let Sam ride shotgun on the way home,” John ordered. 

“But, dad!” complained Dean, slumping his shoulders as he fell into a pout. 

John looked over at him with a stern glare that didn’t allow for argument. “Dean, just do it.” 

Dean gave a sigh but said nothing more to argue. Still, he crossed his arms and leaned heavily into the leather of the seat. 

Sam raced to the car when he spotted it, a huge grin on his face as sweat poured from him. “Dad, guess what!?”

Dean ignored his little brother and clambered our to switch into the backseat. “What, Sam?” 

“Coach Singer said he thinks I’m ready to play with the big kids!” Sam exclaimed with excitement, his smile growing impossibly wider. 

John gave a chuckle and motioned him to climb into the car. “That’s great, son. I’m sure you’ll do fantastic.” 

Sam buckled his seatbelt and handed Dean his soccer ball. “You need to clean this thing. It smells like feet,” he teased. 

“You can’t really clean a soccer ball, Dean. You ruined my last one doing that,” Sam reminded him with a frown. 

Dean thought back. “Not on purpose. I was only like ten, and I was trying to help.” 

“Yeah, but your help didn’t help! I had to borrow a ball from the weird guy down the street,” Sam argued back. 

“Boys, enough. I want a peaceful ride for once,” John finally interjected with a small chuckle. Both boys shut their mouths and allowed John to turn up the radio. 

Led Zeppelin’s “Ramble On” blared, and Dean immediately jumped in on the line and sang his heart out. Even Sam’s protests weren’t enough to drown out his belting voice. John grinned back at him in the rear view mirror with glimmering humor in his eyes. They pulled into the office of Cas’s therapist, and Dean was quick to quiet down when he saw Cas already waiting for their arrival. 

His heart skipped a beat, and he could feel his throat go dry. He looked normal. Except the bright white bandage wrapped several layers thick around his forearm. He raised his other hand in some semblance of a wave, a barely-there twitch his only smile. 

John glanced back at Dean with a hint of worry as Castiel opened the door and gingerly climbed in beside Dean. “Thank you for the ride.” 

Dean could hear the defeat in his voice. “No problem, son. Anything for a friend. You hungry?” 

“N-“ Cas cut himself off with a cringe and cleared his throat. “Yes.” He spoke the words through a clenched jaw, as if it pained him to even consider. 

“Anywhere in particular you want to go?” John asked next, the engine idling almost silently. Cas looked desperately at Dean, his face a mix of guilt and anger.

“We can just make food at home, right? Isn’t mom making spaghetti already, anyway?” Sam was the first to speak up, his tone full of excitement. The kid loved pasta. 

John nodded and turned back to the front. “Right, I actually forgot about that. Good thing Sam remembered, or we’d have gone home full.” 

Cas relaxed back into the seat and seemed to deflate. Dean couldn’t bring himself to speak up, not when there were people who would hear. He reached over to grab his hand, but Cas yanked his arm away at the touch. His eyes were wide and full of fear. 

Dean felt instantly guilty. He should’ve known Cas would be hesitant about touch after what his dad did to him. He should’ve been more careful. 

They arrived home, and Dean was the first out of the car. Cas followed slowly behind as he headed to his room. Sam placed his soccer ball on top of John’s tool cabinet and followed his dad to the kitchen. Mary was already cooking away. 

“Cas, are you ok?” Dean wondered when the door was finally closed and prying ears were far away. 

Cas looked at him sharply and narrowed his gaze. “You spent the last week avoiding me. Why wouldn’t I be fine?” 

Dean gulped and wrung his hands together. He knew this would come up, but he hadn’t expected it first. “Yeah, about that. I’m sorry, Cas, I really am.” 

“I don’t need your pity, Dean. You don’t have to pretend you like me anymore,” snapped Cas without a second thought. 

“What?” Dean’s voice sounded like he’d just run a marathon. He looked at the other boy with betrayal in his eyes. “That’s not fair, Cas. You didn’t even give me a chance to explain.” 

“Oh, yes, great. Explain, Dean. Explain to me why I haven’t seen you in a week,” Cas growled out, eyes narrowed like an angry cat. 

Dean frowned. He didn’t like Cas like this, jumping to conclusions as if Dean was always doing the wrong thing. “It was hard on me too, alright? Dad won’t let me drive anywhere anymore, because the stupid doctor thinks I’m experiencing shock or whatever. Plus, we had finals and I was studying. I thought about walking, but I knew I’d never get there before visiting hours ended.” He paused for a moment, letting his rage settle before he completely lost control. 

“Besides, if I had gone, my dad would’ve come with me. We wouldn’t have been able to talk about anything important. We wouldn’t have been able to be us,” he added after another moment of deep breathing.

Cas didn’t change his expression, still holding Dean in his intense glare. “If you loved me you’d find a way,” he muttered out, his voice full of defeat. 

Dean scoffed and finally returned the glare. “You’re being ridiculous, Cas. Of course I love you, but if my dad knew that you’d never get to be here.” 

Cas clenched his fists and ground his teeth together hard enough for Dean to hear. “I’m being ridiculous? A whole week, Dean. A whole week I was trapped in that place with no company! They wouldn’t even let me watch the TV because my laughing might screw up my rib. Again.” 

Dean couldn’t help but let out a bitter laugh. “What do you want from me? I’m sorry, alright!? I know I’m a dick, but I’m trying to make it up to you and apologize and you’re just blowing me off!” 

“Boys, dinner is ready!” Mary’s voice traveled up the stairs and through the closed doors. “Hope you like garlic bread, Castiel!” she added with a smile in her tone. 

Dean whirled around and threw the door open, clambering down the stairs as fast as he could. “Thanks, mom, I’m sure it’ll taste great.” He put on a feigned smile, one he’d gotten too used to showing others. 

Mary didn’t seem to notice anything was off, as she grinned and turned to follow him to the dining room. Cas straggled silently behind, fists still clenched. His arm ached and throbbed underneath the bandage. 

“Thank you, Mrs Winchester,” he mumbled out through a barely audible sigh. He sat down beside Sam, completely away from Dean. Sam glanced between them covertly as John brought out the pot and gave everyone an equal helping. 

“Dean, grab the bread will you?” He asked. Dean nodded and hurried to do as he was told, adding a bounce to his step to keep the ruse going.

He handed everyone a piece and then returned to his seat. “Looks awesome!” he commented happily. 

Sam hummed in agreement, and they both dug into their food with veal. John shook his head at their manners before he started in on his own plate. “So, Castiel, how’re you holding up?” 

Cas averted his gaze and simply shrugged, staring idly at his food. “I’m fine, I suppose.” 

“You suppose? You’ve got such a proper way of taking considering your mother’s occupation,” John remarked with a small chuckle. Cas froze in his seat. “Sorry, that was really insensitive of me to say. I didn’t mean anything negative toward her or you,” he was quick to pick up on the awkward mood. Guilt flooded through John’s body. 

“Castiel, I want to apologize for keeping Dean from you this past week as well,” Mary spoke up, gently dabbing at the corner of her mouth with her napkin. “We’re very worried about his mental state right now, and we just wanted him to focus on his studies. I don’t think solitude was the best way to fix his problem, though.” 

Cas finally looked up, eyes full of regret as he gazed at Mary. “Of course, I understand. I’m sorry I’ve cause so much trouble with your family.” 

“Take those words back, Novak. You’re welcome here, you’re family after all,” John said. He flashed the boy a kind smile. 

“How am I family? I’m not related to any of you,” Cas sounded confused. 

Sam couldn’t help but laugh at that. “You’re so funny, Cas. Family doesn’t end in blood,” he explained, reaching out to pat his shoulder. Cas flinched at the contact but only barely pulled away. 

“You’re bleeding!” Dean Apple up for the first time when Cas’s sleeve dropped below his bandage. 

“Oh, dear! Did you tear your stitches?” Mary leaped from her seat and to his side, kindly guiding him from the chair to the kitchen. 

“No, I don’t believe so. Chuck mentioned this may happen, as the wound is so....” he trailed off and left the word unsaid, voice wobbling. 

“It’s quite all right. We can just wash it, and give you a clean wrap,” she smiled. “John will wrap it back, he’s the best at it.” 

Cas looked up at her gratefully. “I don’t know how to thank you.” 

“No thanks needed,” John interrupted before he could say anymore. “Your food’s getting cold,” he added, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb. Now Cas knew where Dean picked up the habit. 

“That’s ok. I enjoy all food, hot or cold.” Cas grinned when John gave him an odd but amused look. He suddenly seemed to remember the word scarred into his arm because he pulled away before Mary could finish unwrapping it. 

“Dean told us, Castiel. I’m so sorry he would do that to you, it’s awful. You’ll find no judgement here,” Mary’s voice was soothing. Cas gulped, but returned his arm to her hands. 

The stitches were still intact, as Cas had suspected. Blood seeped slowly through the cuts until Mary rinsed it off under the water. “I’m sorry, dear, but this will sting.” She reaches for the soap and lathered it into Cas’s wound. 

He sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth, eyes watering slightly. Mary reached for a rag and gently dabbed his arm dry before handing him off to John. “Maybe we can wrap it after dinner,” he suggested. 

Cas inspected the sores, noting the blood had stopped. “I’m not so sure about that.” 

“Look, Castiel,” John waited until he looked back up. “I know it’s a reminder. Of a lot of disgusting things your father thinks. But in our family, you’re nothing but perfect. That word only has power because you allow it to. If you ignore it, it’ll never mean anything to you again. It’s nothing but a vile slur. And you don’t deserve it. 

“So let it breathe. Just for a little while, finish your food, and then I’ll wrap it. Sound good?” John watched him expectantly. Cas’s other hand reached up to run a thumb over the raw skin. It was a habit now, one he likely wasn’t aware of.

“Ok. Thank you.”


	22. April 12, 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super sorry about the long wait,  
> I feel awful.  
> A little bit of smut in this one, so enjoy!

“You know, my parents want me to go into the family business,” Dean broke the comfortable silence he’d had with Cas. 

After Mary had explained why Dean had been unable to come to the hospital (even though he’d said the same thing), they’d made up. Cas was currently curled up in his side, an arm lazily draped across Dean’s middle. He couldn’t ignore the nagging voice in his mind to lose weight. 

“What would that be?” Cas finally wondered. 

Dean let out a soft sigh, trailing his thumb along Cas’s soft hands. “Doctors. Mom’s a nurse, dad is a night surgeon. Even Sam’s gonna be a doctor, just in the form of lawyer.” 

Cas hummed thoughtfully. “What’s wrong with being a doctor?” His question was innocent, but it lit a fire in Dean’s stomach. It was one he’d tried so hard to tamp down.

“Because that stuff doesn’t interest me,” he muttered bitterly. “I don’t want to be told what to do. I wanna do what I want, and I’m not interested in medicine.” 

Cas clicked his tongue and burrowed closer into Dean’s side. “Well then, what are you interested in?” 

Dean’s hand stilled, and his heart pounded in his chest. This was something he’d never told anyone, not even his best friends. Not even Sammy, and he told his little brother practically everything. “I’m kind of into cars.” 

“That’s not surprising, you love the Impala. So a mechanic?” 

This was why Dean loved Castiel. He understood exactly what he meant, even if he barely explained it. “Yeah, maybe.” 

Cas let out a tiny laugh. “Don’t say maybe. I know that’s what you want to do. You love cars, Dean.” 

“Yeah. But I don’t wanna let my parents know,” Dean responded. “If I tell them I don’t want to follow in their footsteps... I don’t even wanna think about that.”

Cas unwrapped himself from Dean and sat up. “That’s crazy,” he scoffed. “Your parents are so accepting, I doubt they would be angry.” 

“You don’t know them like I do,” Dean said back in a weary tone. “They only act all nice when you’re around.” 

“I highly doubt that.” 

Dean rolled his eyes, but said nothing else. Somehow, he’d have to show Cas what he meant. “We didn’t have homework, right?” 

“Don’t take my word, I hardly pay attention,” admitted Cas with a shrug. At this, Dean sighed over-dramatically and climbed to his feet to check his bag. “Don’t give me that attitude, Winchester.” 

“Yeah, whatever,” Dean grinned at him over his shoulder. He rifled through his bag, searching for any sign of homework. “Doesn’t look like it.” 

He paused as the garage door opened. “Sounds like my family is going somewhere.” He opened his door and called down the stairs. “Dad?”

“We’ll be back soon, Dean! We’re going to pick up some dinner!” John called back, voice cheerful. “Do any homework you two have!” 

Dean said goodbye and then closed his door once again. “They’re going to pick up food.” Cas simply nodded and turned to glance at the computer on Dean’s desk. “Wanna watch something?” 

Cas’s face went red and he quickly shook his head. “N-no. That’s fine - it’s fine, we don’t have to watch anything.” 

Dean eyed him suspiciously, his face questioning. “What’re you thinking about, Cas?” 

“Nothing!” Cas was too quick to answer, and his shoulders tensed. 

“I’m not gonna make fun of you,” Dean chuckled at him. “What is it? Is it about what you want to watch? What, My Little Pony or something?” 

Cas turned to look at him in confusion. “I don’t understand that reference. And how would you know it’s about something I want to watch?” 

“I didn’t. Not until just now,” Dean grinned at him and came to sit beside him. He opened the computer and pulled up an empty page. “What do you want to watch?” 

Cas didn’t answer, scratching at the edge of his bandage. Dean nudged him, making him finally look up again. His cheeks were bright red. “I’ve never watched....before.” 

“What? You kind of faded out there.” 

Cas grumbled something under his breath, letting out a heavy sigh. “I have never watched porn before,” he spit it out through ground teeth. 

Dean looked at him in shock. “Really? Never? Not even like... light stuff?” 

Cas rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. “No. Have you?” 

Dean cleared his throat, abashed, and let out a nervous laugh. “Yeah. I’ve - uhm - I’ve watched a lot. Sadly.” He closed the new window and instead pulled up a new private tab. “So - uh - is that what you wanted t-to do?” 

Cas avoided Dean’s questioning gaze and nodded, his hands firmly wound together. “Anything in particular?” Dean asked next. Cas shook his head quickly, his cheeks growing impossibly more and more red. Dean typed something into the search bar and pulled up a video. 

“Do you - do you want sound?” Dean’s voice was close to a whisper and his eyes glued anywhere but Cas, but he saw his head move up and down and clicked the volume button. He adjusted it until soft moans could be heard. Dean hadn’t realized he’d pulled up a video of two men (not that he was complaining), but he was practically transfixed. 

His arousal grew practically instantly, his teenage hormones obviously helping out on that front. Cas seemed a little out of it too, because the rigid line of his shoulders had relaxed until one touched Dean’s own. “Oh.” 

Dean would’ve laughed at Cas’s surprise if it hadn’t been for the more than obvious tent of his pants. “Jesus, Cas. How do you have a boner that quickly?” Dean couldn’t even be bothered to be embarrassed by the question. When Cas looked at him, his pupils were blown wide with lust. 

“I’m not sure. This hasn’t happened before,” he admitted candidly. “What do I do?” 

Dean allowed himself to laugh at that. “You’ve never jerked off before, either?” Cas tilted his head to the side and looked at him in confusion. “I’ll take that as a no.” Dean couldn’t even begin to hide his unease at this. Sure, he’d gotten off to porn in the past, but not with someone he cared about. 

“What should I do?” Cas wondered innocently, his cheeks flushing, but no longer with shame. He shifted uncomfortably where he sat beside Dean, and let out a small gasp before going still. 

The noise did nothing to help Dean’s own lust. “Jesus...” he trailed off, watching Castiel now instead of the screen. “Do...” he swallowed heavily. “Do you want me to show you?” His query came out as a strangled whisper, his throat impossibly dry. Cas simply nodded, eyes now on Dean. 

“Can I touch you?” Dean asked next, eyes stretching wide. He practically salivated when Cas met his gaze and gave a single, confident nod. Christ, what was he doing? 

Before he could think on it any longer, Dean guided the other boy until his back rested against the headboard. His hands quaked uncertainly, his mind filling with nothing but a primal instinct to make Cas feel good. 

The moans on the computer grew louder, and only helped to egg Dean on. His hands founds the button on Cas’s jeans. He looked up into his eyes, looking for any sign of unwillingness. He found only intrigue and trust. 

The button was open and the zipper went down. Cas sucked in a sharp breath as the rough denim brushed along the bulge in his underwear. 

Dean could feel sweat beading at the back of his neck as he apprehensively pulled the elastic of Cas’s boxers down. His member jumped free, and Dean couldn’t help but stare. 

He barely noticed the scars marring Cas’s thighs, instead his eyes landed on the flushed head of his dick. Already, a pearly white bead of precum was dripping onto Cas’s stomach. “Dean.” It was needy, but Dean still met ocean eyes to check. 

Without anymore hesitation, he reached out and gently grabbed ahold of Cas’s well-endowed cock. It burned in his hand, jumping at his touch. Cas let out a choked moan, head falling back onto the headboard. Dean went slow, doing to Cas what he knew felt good on himself. 

Twist of his hand at the head, his thumb brushing over the nerve right below it. He couldn’t get enough of the sounds Cas was making. They were sin, and Dean wanted more. “Does that feel good?” 

Cas screwed his eyes shut and opened his mouth in a silent plea. “Y-yES!” he managed to shout, barely even able to properly pronounce the word. Cas’s hips canted up off the bed, fists bunching up the sheets beneath him. “Deeeean - I -“ he cut himself off as another moan escaped his throat. 

The video had long finished, but neither boy seemed to notice. “Can I -“ Dean stopped to gulp down his nerves. “Can I put my mouth on you?” 

Cas breathed out a broken and trembling sigh, almost unable to nod his head. Dean leaned down and took him in his mouth, tasting the salt on his burning cock. At the sensation, Cas’s hand flew instinctively to Dean’s hair, and held tight. 

Dean hummed at the feeling, which sent Cas into another fit of moans. “Ah - fuck - Dean, I’m g-gonna-“ before he could finish Dean was messily swallowing the bitter cum. He pulled off with an obscene noise and reached up to wipe at the remaining strands dribbling down his chin. Cas was panting, cheeks aflame, but he was quick to pull his pants back up to where they belonged. 

“Thank you, Dean. That was... highly enjoyable,” he finally spoke when his breathing had settled. “Can I return the favor?” 

Dean couldn’t deny the pain growing in his own jeans. He grinned sheepishly up at Cas, surprised by the passionate kiss he was met with. “I’d gladly have you return the favor.”


	23. April 13, 2016 (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super sorry for not updating on Friday  
> I had a crises with my friend, and he superseded my writing because he needed serious help  
> To make up for it, I’m posting this chapter and then the next one on the normal update day  
> Enjoy

After John had dropped off Dean and Cas at his therapist appointment, and Sam was securely outside practice his soccer skills, Castiel’s mom arrived. 

She was wearing her hair up in a semi-messy bun, her shirt reached her pants and was a simple peach. She had on a nice pair of jeans and black flats. Her face was clear of makeup. She had a startling beautiful face, despite the bruise slowly healing under her eye.

“Hello, John and Mary. Thank you for letting me come and speak with you,” she gave a smile and stuck her hand out to shake. John took it and dipped his head to her with a mumbled response. He led her to the living room, where Mary entered with three glasses of water. 

“Oh, Mrs. Novak! So lovely to see you, you look wonderful,” Mary announced sweetly. 

She looked down at her outfit and shrugged. “You can call me Amelia.” 

“Well, Amelia, come in and sit down. We’ve got the home all to ourselves, so feel free to speak your mind,” John motioned to the couch and sat beside Mary with a kind smile. 

Amelia nodded nervously and took a seat on the opposite side. “I’m not sure how much Castiel has told you or Dean.” She wrung her hands together in her lap. 

“Dean hasn’t told us much. He’s under the impression that secrets are the best method. We trust him and your boy, we just wish we knew more.” Mary set a hand on John’s thigh to calm him. 

“I understand. That’s actually why I’m here,” Amelia said, reaching to grab a glass of water. Her hands were quaking. 

“Well, it’s greatly appreciated. We understand if there are some things you can’t tell us, as well,” Mary told her. Despite John’s eagerness, Mary only wanted to know what Cas’s family was willing to share. 

“Something you should know first is that Castiel is adopted,” Amelia told them. “I’ve been trying for years to get in contact with his real parents, but he shows no interest in knowing them. I’m worried he thinks they may have abandoned him, but it’s far from that.” 

John and Mary exchanged a glance, unsure where this was going. 

“Castiel came to me and my husband when he was eight. You would think he’d remember his past, but he doesn’t. He has severe memory loss, which is why he struggles in school. He has retrograde amnesia, so he remembers nothing before he was seven.” 

“I’m so sorry,” John spoke up, giving Amelia a sad look. 

“He only has vague memories of his true family, and he barely remembers the accident.” 

“Accident?” asked Mary cautiously, almost afraid of the answer. 

Amelia nodded and took a deep, shaky breathe. “He was in a very bad wreck. A car wreck. His mother -“ she cut herself off. “She died on impact,” she finally managed to say. “His father suffered from badly broken ribs, a collapsed lung, and a severe concussion. And Castiel was in a coma, he had brain damage.” 

“Oh my God, that’s horrendous!” Mary exclaimed. “I’m so sorry, Amelia, I can’t even imagine.” 

She shook her head and gave a bitter chuckle. “I’m only sorry that Castiel will never meet his mother. His real one, I mean.

“But I want him to meet his real father so badly. I’ve finally come in contact with him, and he actually lives here, can you believe it!? It was a miracle in my mind. When I asked Castiel about it, he said no. He didn’t want to meet his father.” 

“Perhaps he will. In time,” John assured her. 

“I’m hoping for that as well. But I don’t want to push him, so I haven’t asked again. The accident really messed with him, emotionally. That’s why he’s in therapy, he punishes himself for being unable to remember or being unable to help. He’s intelligent, I know he is. He just doesn’t want to apply himself, and it drags him down. 

“Dean is helping him so much. He’s doing better in school, and he’s taking care of himself. I can’t thank your family enough, I truly can’t. I also came to let you two know that I’m switching occupations. I don’t want to keep Castiel in the life I’ve been living, so I’m applying elsewhere. I know it’s so much to ask, but I need to ask. Would you be able to keep him longer? Just until I can get my bearings and find a new job?” 

John bent over and whispered softly in Mary’s ear. She gave slight nod and then turned to say something back. Amelia stayed quiet through the whole exchange, fidgeting in her seat. 

“We’d be happy to take him in as long as you need. And you’re welcome to stop by and visit with him whenever you feel like it,” John finally announced. Amelia let out a soft sigh.

“Thank you so much. I’m highly grateful.” She stood and shook their hands with a happy smile. “If you ever need anything at all, please, just let me know.” 

“Think nothing of it!” Mary chastised her, bringing her into a gentle hug. “Would you like to stay for dinner?” 

“No, no. I shouldn’t. I need to get started on my job hunt.” And with that, Amelia was out the door and taking off to parts unknown.

“How awful, John. No wonder he doesn’t like speaking of his family, he barely knows them,” Mary sniffled and pressed into his side. He lifted his arm and put it around her shoulder for comfort. 

“Hey, hey, mom, dad, guess what!!” Sam came barreling into the house with his soccer ball snugly under his arm. Sweat poured from his chin as he came to see them. 

“What is it, champ?” asked John. 

“Cas is named after an angel! Did you know!? Isn’t that super cool!! See, look!” he handed them his phone where a web page was pulled up. 

“This says Cassiel, Sammy,” Mary told him. 

“Yeah, but, look!” Sam pointed at the lists of similar names, and Castiel’s name popped up. “It’s an alternate spelling. He’s the angel of temperance, or tears, or Saturn! There’s a bunch of stuff about him. Everything seems to agree he’s the angel of Saturn, but some say he’s even an archangel! The brightest one, even!” 

“And look. He’s the patron angel of the downtrodden and oppressed,” Mary suddenly said with awe. “It seems like a strange coincidence, doesn’t it?” Sam took his phone back with a grin. 

“Cool, right? Maybe his mom wanted this Cassiel to watch over him. So he was named after him as a tribute.” Sam scrolled over the page with a newfound interest. 

“Wanna go pick the boys up with me, Sam?” questioned John, standing and patting his shoulder. “You can -“

“Yes! I can tell Cas all about his name origin! Did you know it means the speed of God? And his symbol is a dragon!” 

Mary laughed as John gave her a wide smile of amusement. “Let’s go, angel researcher.” John pushed Sam in front of him and forced him to the garage. The soccer ball lay forgotten on the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the info I got for Cassiel is accurate   
> I did a lot of research, but there’s a bit of controversy on Cassiel’s true role in heaven  
> Some even say he’s the prince, as he resides in the Seventh Heaven (where God’s throne is)   
> He’s the brightest of the seven archangels   
> I could go on as I’m religious and find it interesting but I won’t to save the feelings of those who do not have my beliefs


	24. April 13, 2016 (Part Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we get to see John’s more commandeering side and why Dean sometimes lashes out in anger at others

“No, Sam, I had no idea I was named after an angel!” Cas exclaimed. Dean could tell he was obviously lying, but appreciated the effort to keep Sam’s excitement nonetheless. It was actually kind of sweet, especially after the tense session Cas had. 

He avoided every question his therapist asked him, and refused to even acknowledge the questions about his family. To say Dean was worried was the biggest understatement of the year. He was way beyond worried at this point. After she had read the note from an assignment he was meant to do... 

Dean couldn’t take his mind off of it. He regretted going, but at the same time was glad he was there at Castiel’s side. Still, the words he’d written were eating at Dean’s heart. 

He didn’t even want to think about the possibility of Cas - 

“Deer!” Sam suddenly cried, pointing out the window. John slowed so the boys could see the animal. 

“She’s got a baby, too,” Dean announced when he noticed the fawn peeking out from behind its mother. 

“Woah, cool!” Sam grinned. His smile seemed impossibly wide as he craned his head to see them.

“Sammy, sit straight, please,” John ordered. Sam sat back into his seat and fixed the seatbelt, unable to stay still for too long. “Anyone hungry? We can bring Mary something special.” 

“We should get pie,” said Dean without hesitation. “I bet mom would love pie. Specifically apple pie.” 

John glanced at him from the corner of his eyes and shook his head. “No, Dean. I think it’s you who would like some apple pie. And that’s not dinner, that’s dessert.” 

Cas stayed silent throughout the whole exchange. “We could try the new restaurant that just opened. They do takeout.” 

“Great,” John said. “Thanks for having an actual suggestion instead of being these two,” he added with a laugh. 

“Hey! I’m way better than Dean! At least I eat food that’s good for me,” Sam argued as he leaned forward. 

“I’m a warrior, Sammy! I can’t survive on that rabbit food,” Dean shot back. “Plus, pie is the best food. It’s like a super food. It has carbs and fruit and grains.” 

“And loads of sugar, you jerk,” muttered Sam. He crossed his arms over his chest and stuck his tongue out. 

“Yeah, whatever you bi-“ 

“Don’t you say it,” warned John finally. Dean shut his mouth and glared at his little brother. “Now then, what’s this place called, Castiel?” 

Cas blanched. “Oh - uhm - I can’t seem to recall.” 

“I’ll look it up!” Sam called, already typing on his phone. Cas watched the younger Winchester with mild curiosity, wondering how he’d be able to find the restaurant off of the fact they do takeout. “Is it Lolita’s?” 

“Oh, yes. That’s it,” Cas sounded surprised. “Good job, Sam.” 

Sam glanced at him and snorted. “You can find practically anything on the internet, dude. Hasn’t Dean shown you stuff?” 

At that, Cas turned toward the window to hide his burning cheeks. “Only videos. Of... memes?” He turned back to see if he’d said it right. 

Sam didn’t look shocked at all. “What a surprise. We have a guest over and you show him useless videos that make no sense.” 

“They don’t have to make sense! They’re funny!” Dean interjected without hesitation, turning sharply in his seat to smack Sam. 

“No! Sit down!” John suddenly burst out, his face turning red in anger. Dean instantly faced forward, shoulders tense and he seemed to shrink in size. “You two are ridiculous! Never do that when I’m driving. Never! You got that!?” 

Cas flinched at the harsh tone and saw Dean’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “Yessir. I apologize.” Dean’s voice was right and suddenly afraid. 

“Sorry, dad,” Sam added with shame, his face aflame. 

“Not your fault, Sam,” spoke Dean. Sam glared at the back of his brother’s head and crossed his arms. 

“Dean’s right. It’s not your fault. Your brother was just being an idiot and trying to get us all killed,” John remarked coldly. His hands were bone-white on the steering wheel. Cas clenched his fists, silently seething. Dean hadn’t been the one driving after all, and the car was plenty wide enough for John to avoid Dean’s touch. 

Sam silently reached out and grabbed onto Cas’s forearm. Castiel looked at him, and saw the boy shake his head slightly. Don’t say anything. 

Cas pulled away and leaned against the car door, willing this trip to end. 

It was a long while before the Impala pulled into the garage and they arrived back at the Winchester house. Mary was pleased at the prospect of having a night off from cooking and they all ate in relative silence. Cas noticed Dean was especially tense, and couldn’t help but think of how he could ease the heavy line of his shoulders. 

Nothing came to mind, and both spent the rest of the night in a quiet embrace.


	25. April 14, 2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel's true father is revealed

Dean have you done your chores?”

Dean looked up from the book he and Cas were reading. “Not yet. I was gonna do them later tonight and then shower.”

John frowned and snapped his fingers at him. “Come on kid, get ‘em done so you can do whatever you want later.”

Cas stared blankly at the letters on the page as Dean stifled a sigh and stood to do as he was told. He was quite like a robot to Cas, always so obedient to his father. It always seemed like he was doing everything in his power to be just like John, which Cas couldn’t understand.

Granted, John was kind and caring, but not like Dean. Dean had something inside him that told him to never give up, on himself, his dreams, or anyone else. But for that reason, Cas had recently noticed that spark was dying; slowly but surely. Something inside Dean was shriveling up into nothing. And it scared Cas to know.

Because Dean was who he relied on to pull him from this trough.

He brushed off his thoughts quickly, willing himself to dispel them. He did not depend on Dean for anything. He did not depend on anyone. If he did, it would make all of this so much harder. 

Yes, Cas decided, it would be soon. He could feel the heat bubbling low in his stomach, threatening to overflow and swallow him whole. It lay just under the surface, but he was tired of holding it back.

He bookmarked the page they had been on and closed the book, climbing to his feet. “Is it alright if I go for a walk?” he asked John. The older man looked up at him and grinned.

“No problem at all. It’s a nice day, I hope you enjoy it,” responded John with a nod. Cas thanked him and scaled the stairs to change.

He slipped on a light-colored shirt and a pair of shorts. He refused to glance in the mirror as he passed (for fear of seeing the scars marring his legs, the burns and cuts and scrapes). He slipped on his sneakers and then took off at a slow but steady pace.

John was right, the day was nice. A slight breeze carried a sweet scent on its path and offered relief from the warmth of the sun. Birds chirped happily, bees buzzed idly, and Cas found himself slowing further to see everything he could.

He had learned to enjoy the little things in life. The pretty sunsets and sunrises, the peaceful sound of rippling water, the soft brush of grass tickling his legs. He had long missed that feeling of having the morning dew kiss his skin when he lied and watched the sun ascend into the sky. 

The colors it painted the air would always startle him. Intense, golden yellows, stark reds, deep blues, and relaxing purples. Sometimes a pinch of playful green would show up and distort the line between blue and yellow.

Even something as simple as the first star twinkling to life as the moon woke was enough to put him in awe. Cas halted his steps as he came to the edge of the park’s lake. It had no fountain, but still managed to spray a gentle mist of water over him.

Cas sat down right there at the edge, moving to take off his shoes. He dipped his feet in the cold water and let out a small shiver, adamantly ignoring the pearly skin permanently etched into his legs. It was why he normally wore jeans. People asked less questions and were less curious.

And much less intrusive about his family life and how he was treated at home. That though made him tuck his bandaged arm tight against his side, cringing and frowning at the memory.

He glanced across the water and found the place Dean had first kissed him. His eyes stung suddenly, and he rapidly reached up to dry them. It was nothing more than a way to remove Lisa from their presence. That was all. And the strange intimacy they had shared when his parents were away was nothing more than experience. It meant nothing.  
Cas repeated this over and over in his head. It meant nothing, it meant nothing.

His phone blipped with a message from his mother. He frowned deeply at the question. Didn’t she know he had no interest in ever meeting his father? How many times must she be told.

Another message came through a moment later. Cas’s father was a doctor at the same hospital as his doctor, Chuck. What a coincidence. This only further dissuaded him. He had a checkup with Chuck today, to make sure his wound was healing properly.

She had probably already arranged to introduce them. Anger rose in his throat and made his chest go hot. Yet another text. It’s up to you, Castiel.

Unexpectedly, his heart skipped a beat. It was something she had never told him before. She had never given him a choice. Somehow this intrigued him beyond belief. He agreed.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

Cas was surprised when his mom picked him up in completely acceptable clothing. John and Mary greeted her with kind smiles, asking how the search was going.

“Oh, it’s good. I have a few interviews lined up for the week, so I’m very hopeful,” she responded with a smile. Cas looked between his mom and Dean’s parents. The three boys shared a confused look.

“We wish you good luck, Amelia,” John shook her hand. 

“Are you ready, Cas?” 

“Can I bring Dean with me?” He was nervous to meet his father of course, but he was also afraid of what could be hidden below the bandage. It had only been a few days after all, how could it possibly be healing at all?

“I think it’s best if your first encounter with your father is just family,” Mary piped in gently.

“But… family doesn’t end in blood,” Cas reminded them in a soft voice.

John gave a sigh and patted him on the shoulder. “You’re right. But, sometimes that’s all that matters to others. If I was meeting my kid for the first time, I’d rather it be without anyone I don’t know.”

Cas jerked away from the touch as if burned. “I don’t even know him!” His voice broke as he pleaded with them, but Amelia took his hand and gave a grounding squeeze when she knew his anxiety attack was close. 

“I’ll be right beside you the entire way, Castiel. Don’t you doubt that for a second,” she soothed. “I will not let anything happen to you.”

Cas’s breathing slowed down almost immediately. He gave her a nod and followed her to the car without a look behind him.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

“Alright, Cas. Have you been rewrapping this every day?” 

Chuck was washing his hands as he spoke to Cas.

“My friend’s dad has been,” he said honestly. “I didn’t want to do it.”

Chuck turned to him and nodded in understanding. “That’s fair. If it’s been changed and cleaned, that’s all that matters. How is Dean doing?”

Cas glanced at the wall and shrugged. “Different, I guess. He wakes up at weird hours of the night.”  
Chuck narrowed his eyes in thought. “Interesting. Have you been taking your insomnia medication?”

Cas gulped and shook his head. “I haven’t been home in a few weeks.”

“Well, have you been sleeping, at least?” asked Chuck without missing a beat.

“Sometimes,” said Cas. “It’s more a problem with getting to sleep. Once I am, I sleep through the night now.”

Chuck took note of that on his clipboard and smiled. “That’s good to hear. I suggest doing activity before you try to sleep. Maybe running or reading a book. It can help get you in that sleep state.”

Cas nodded once and went silent again.

“Alright, time to check the stitches,” Chuck announced. Cas retreated into himself at the words, glancing to his mother right outside the door, pacing. “It won’t hurt, I can promise you that.”

Chuck held out his hand and gently took ahold of Cas’s arm when it was offered. The cool air hit the skin and sent goosebumps across Cas’s entire body. “Oh, it’s healing rather nicely. It seems we’ll be able to take the stitches out sooner than we’d hoped.”

Castiel raked his gaze across the obscene word. Skin was already beginning to form together again. The muscle was no longer visible, but the top layer was far from closed. He had to admit, it did look much better than he’d anticipated.

“I’m just gonna clean it out, but some antibacterial ointment on it and wrap it back up. Sound good?”

“Yes. Thank you, Chuck.”

Chuck gave a kind smile and made a motion at the door. Amelia came in with a worried expression. “You don’t have to call me Chuck anymore,” he started.

Cas’s breath hitched as he stared at the caring man in front of him. “You can call me dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Were you surprised? Was it who you thought it would be, or was it a complete shock?


	26. April 15, 2016 (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning near the end

The revelation of Cas’s newfound family member left a sour taste in his mouth. Mostly because it was just another thing to tie him down. Another reason to stick around. 

Granted, knowing his father was a nice person made him feel better about everything. He still didn’t like it. If Chuck was his father and he’d been so close for so long, why the hell didn’t he save Cas from the awful family he’d been stuck with? Why hadn’t Chuck reached out?

Even if Cas didn’t want to meet a man who was willing to give him up, the guy was still his father. Wasn’t it his job to steer Cas in the right direction? Everything about the whole situation pissed Cas off more and more as he thought about it. 

It was a mess. Cas wanted to scream. He felt like he would vomit. He absolutely did not like this feeling. He hated the thousands of questions that bombarded his mind like incessant bees. 

As if he didn’t have enough stress, and now it seemed like a never ending buzz in his ear. Just once it would’ve been nice to pretend this wasn’t his life. He could just fly above the clouds and not care what happened below him. Or he could borrow deep underground and muffle every sound in existence. 

Cas found himself suddenly hating the doctor he’d grown up with. The man was his father, and he’d done nothing to save his son. He had let the boy suffer meaninglessly, endlessly. Even knowing he was being abused apparently wasn’t enough to spur his father into action. Anger seethed underneath his skin until all he could hear was the blood pounding in his ears. The man obviously didn’t care if Cas lived or died, or else he would’ve saved him. He would have done something. He would’ve shown that he cared. He would’ve shown that Cas was wanted. 

Except he didn’t care. And Cas wasn’t wanted. The breath was knocked out of his body, and he was left trembling, tears filling his eyes.

For once, he wished his mother was home to offer her comfort, or at least what she considered comfort. Anything was better than the nothing he was currently getting. The empty house seemed to laugh at him, bringing up coldness and evil memories. Reminding him of all he hated and despised. Reminding him of all the lies he told and been told, all the malicious things that went on behind the closed door. 

The boy stood and stormed from the house, leaving the door wide open. He no longer cared if someone broke in and stole everything. They didn’t have much anyway. And what they did have was practically useless to anyone else. Not to mention, he didn’t exactly plan on coming back.

Cas made his way to his favorite spot overlooking the lake. His feet dangled over the edge as he closed his eyes and let the wind drift through his hair. He had missed this feeling of control. It helped to ground him, and the shaking quickly subsided. 

Still, he couldn’t help but think of all the miserable things that he’d been put through because his father didn’t care. He shook his head and growled in frustration, eyes flying open. 

The wind picked up slightly and tugged his hair back. Cas gave a soft sigh and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his legs and his head in his hands. He was so used to this anger in his stomach that he barely noticed it anymore, but it lingered despite his efforts to quell its insistent screaming. 

He wouldn’t exactly call himself a coward, but sometimes it chilled his blood. The boiling rage low in his gut pooling until it ignited his whole body? That was what freaked him out and gave him panic attacks. 

And suddenly, Cas had a revelation. He pulled out his phone with quivering hands and composed a message to his mom, Dean, and to Azazel; different based on who it would be sent to. 

[Cas] to [Azazel]: I’m sorry for everything 

[Cas] to [Whore of Babylon]: Thank you for introducing me to my real dad and for trying to get a better job. I won’t be home when you get back.

[Cas] to [Dean]: Thank you for being such a dear friend to me. I have trusted you with many secrets and you have taken them all in stride. I could not have asked for a better person to meet. 

He sent each one and then turned his phone off, tucking it in the back pocket of his jeans. He stared out at the water and stood, turning away and straightening out his hair and hoodie as the wind finally died down. 

He noticed a shoe was untied, and bent to fix it. Looking back the way he had come for a long while, Cas was filled with a sense of peace. He gave a genuine smile and took a step back. 

He heard someone call his name from far away as he fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry guys, but it’s tagged as sad ending for a reason.


	27. April 15, 2016 (Part Two)

When Dean received Cas’s text, he immediately knew the importance of its contents. Despite sitting down for lunch with his family, he rose to his feet in a rush. 

“Dean, what’s the matter?” asked Mary. 

“I have to go. Now,” Dean’s voice was surprisingly calm. Mary glanced at John as his eyes narrowed. 

“I’m sure whatever it is can wait until after lunch,” John said. Dean tossed him his phone and took off without another word. John read the message and instantly couldn’t breath. “Fuck.” 

“What is it?” Mary continued, sharing a glance with Sam. 

“It’s Castiel,” John answered gravely. Sam gulped and hurried after his brother, despite the immediate protests. Mary and John were close behind once they managed to get their shoes on. 

Dean was already far ahead when they left the house with the door unlocked. He rounded the corner and spotted Cas’s figure standing up. Adrenaline pumped in his veins as he pushed himself harder. 

“CAS!” he screamed louder than he’d thought possible, and watched in horror as the boy took a step back. Over the edge.

Dean’s heart shattered as he skidded to a halt. He could hear footsteps behind him, but didn’t process them. Sam got to his side and stopped, glancing around. John and Mary came up close behind, panting. 

“Where’s Cas?” Sam wondered innocently. 

Without warning, Dean let out a heart wrenching scream, collapsing to his knees. Sam jumped at the outburst and widened his eyes. John motioned for Mary to stay with the boys as he hurried forward. 

Dean’s anguish echoed through the neighborhood as Mary held him close. She said nothing, knowing nothing could even be said to mitigate this pain. 

John peered over the edge and recoiled quickly, nausea flooding him. He quickly pulled out his phone and dialed emergency services, even knowing they could do nothing. He kept his eyes closed. 

“Did he...?” Sam trailed off as tears welled in his eyes. Dean sobbed so violently he suddenly pitched forward and vomited on the pavement. Mary paid no mind to the mess, and let him bury his face in her chest. His hands clutched her sides desperately, the knuckles turning bone white. 

A car pulled up beside them, and Mary recognized it as Cas’s mother. She left the door ajar as she scrambled out to them. “Oh God, I’m too late, oh God!” Her voice rose in despair as she hurried to John’s side. She let out a broken wail, seeing her son’s body before John could pull her back. “Castiel, no! Cas!” 

She struggled in vain against John’s grip, legs trembling. Finally, she gave up the fight and collapsed, bringing John down with her. Her knees throbbed from the impact but she barely noticed over the erratic beating of her heart. 

Dean didn’t notice when the ambulances and police arrived. He didn’t bother to look up when they tried to question him and Mary had to do all the talking. It wasn’t until John was in front of him begging him not to look that he realized they had dragged Cas back to the top of the ravine. 

He burst past his dad screaming Cas’s name, praying and hoping it wasn’t him and that this was all a misunderstanding. 

But when he saw the bloodied curve of that jawline and the thin line of crimson leaking from chapped lips, Dean knew that wasn’t the case. This was all too real. John latched onto his arm and pulled him into his embrace, shielding Dean from the awful sight as he yelled until his voice wouldn’t make sound anymore. Mary had taken Sam home while Cas’s mother was sobbing over her son’s body. 

John wanted to take this pain away from his son. He wished he could tell him it would be alright, anything to soothe his quivering form. “I should’ve helped him! I should’ve been there!” screamed Dean through his broken voice, only worsening the scratchy quality. 

John pulled away slightly and knelt to his level, face stern. “Look at me, son,” he ordered. Dean obeyed, thought slowly and with bloodshot eyes. “This is not your fault. You understand that? This is not on you,” he told him firmly. “You did everything you could, you hear me? Don’t you dare blame yourself for this.” 

Dean gave a tiny nod and broke into more anguished cries, too afraid to watch the ambulance drive away. Too afraid to listen to the police offer their condolences. Too afraid to even hear Cas’s mom informing her boss and whoever else she was calling. 

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

-One Month Later-

The funeral was small. Closed casket, for which Dean was both grateful and annoyed. 

It was a simple ceremony with Cas’s sleek black casket being lowered into the grave. In the sunlight it glittered with blue and red gleams of light. Dean looked away as the memories flooded his mind. He had refused to speak to anyone this past month, whether it be parents, teachers, friends, or even a therapist. He knew this was something only time could heal. 

The wound would never fully close, of course. There would always be moments of weakness, where Cas’s laughter would break through Dean’s carefully constructed walls. But for now, he was fine with pretending none of this had happened. 

At nights he dreamed that Castiel was at his side. He’d wake up in a cold sweat, reaching for the opposite end of the bed only to cry out when he came up empty. Many times his mother had been there to lull him back to sleep with her soothing voice. Other times his dad simply laid with him until he drifted off again. 

Even Sam had shared the bed with him for the first week, too afraid to be alone. Dean would never openly admit it, but the contact had helped, however small. 

He prayed daily for something. He wasn’t ever sure anymore where his prayers were going, just that they’d end up somewhere. Sometimes it was as simple as a good nights rest. 

And he started keeping his own journal. If no one else would understand, at least he could write about his feelings. Cas’s mother and given him Castiel’s own, giving him permission to read it. To this day, Dean hadn’t opened it. It remained firmly closed in a box beneath his bed. He figured he may someday read it, but until that time came, it would stay in that box. 

He and Azazel had somehow managed to create some semblance of friendship. It wasn’t quite what Dean was used to, but it also helped him cope with the loss.

And as far as he was concerned, he’d just have to take this whole thing two steps at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is in no way intended to glorify suicide or depression. They are both awful things. They are not pretty.   
> I’ve delt with loss of a friend through suicide (it’s been four years now) and the wounds only fade. Suicide is not pretty, and it is not meant to be. It hurts those that are left behind.   
> I’ve dealt with my own bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts. They are not pretty, and they are not meant to be.   
> If you are struggling with any of this, please seek help. It was a huge relief to me when I finally confessed to my family about what I was struggling with. They have been my greatest supporters. 
> 
> National Suicide Prevention Lifeline; 800-273-8255


End file.
